Just...everything...

New Year update!

2009-01-11T02:56:00.003-08:00

okay so I am now 20
FINALLY after three years (all of which you can read in this blog) I have chosen a degree program, kinda went in a circle and ended up back with art in the bachelor of fine arts program. Go figure.

On 9/11/08 my grandpa George Carter passed away do to complications with his blood problem. I couldnt cry until two days later, on the weekday when dad was at work. I cryed until vessels burst in my eyes...after trying so hard not to. Poor grandma Jenny Belle...

I don't know if I mentioned it previously but Pickles had some weird seizure this year, a couple in fact. But i was only around for the first and it scared the shit out of me. And made me realize how presciously fragile she is....my mama kitty.

I started writing a journal. A real one not just this blog haha.
About my life as an art student, its for when I'm old and bored. I dunno i thought it would be a neat thing to have.

ttyl

[edit] yes i noticed i repeated a few details, oh well. sorry lol

Art Gallery

2008-09-23T20:31:00.002-07:00

DAD TOOK ME TO THE GALLERY :D

wouldn't let me bring my resume though. I can see his point, he's gonna give it to my sponsor hank to give to the people instead.
But maaaaaaan it was cool.

I hope I do get to work there....or anywhere really...
But just the fact that dad actually pulled threw and did what he said he would. Thats special.

SOOO no friendship rings lol. the only ones i could find were lame. and I wanted mood rings D:<

I got my first assignment back in class...A LOW C....this is bad...if the rest of the semester turns out the same i'm screwed. I need AT LEAST a B to get into my program...which reminds me...I have my first meeting with an arts councillor tomarrow...
I hope their not mean....I have a long list of bad experiences with councillors in that way.
*breathes deep*

Random Revelation

2008-09-22T23:57:00.002-07:00

I MISS GROUP PAINTING.
Maybe thats it, since i've gradded me creativity has gone a little haywire.
I especially miss painting with my best fweeend Marcia :D there was this one painting with handprints we did together that was fun ^^.
Since we hang out so often I think i'll randomly get her to paint something with me.
I seriously owe allot to all my friends since I gradded. I've over come allot of fill and paranoia distilled deep into my soul by my over protected father.

WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO....and we've been to the beeeeeach and BURGER KING FOR NEOPETS TOYS...aaaaaaand randomly hung out in various places :D and halloween is coming up huzzuh!

I think i'll get us all group rings...LIKE THE WONDER TWINS....and one for that random kid Tony :D why not? oh right...I'm broke....crap.

yes i'm still here

2008-09-22T23:27:00.002-07:00

I may not be consistent with my journaling but at least I do update every once in awhile.
I'm more serious with school now and doing well academically.

and surprisingly enough....socially 0-0 I've been going out to hang with mo, marcia, dan and benjilly almost every weekend :D I <3 them bunches.

Grandpa George died on 09/11/08. I didn't cry at all until later that night...then I cried until my eyes ached and beyond. I still can't beleieve he's gone and I stupidly chose to spend my canada day weekend with the kamloops grands instead because Fred was "worse off with his cancer" and now he's strutting around with his whiskey glass, happy as can be. Meanwhile Grandma JennyBelle is a wreck and honestly...so am I.
I havent seen grandpa george in over a year and now I never will. I'm crying just typing this lol. I don't think i can ever walk into a dairy queen where he used to treat us every year.
I WASN'T EVEN INVITED TO THE FUNERAL. Thats how inept I am at keeping family connections strong. Worse part is that my sisters idiot boyfriend matt got to spend a month with that side of the family last year while I didnt and he's not even related to him! Okay so I'm not technically either (moms adopted father) but still it hurts...allot...
Same thing happend with gimma...I love that side of the family so much but because there not related to dad I never get to see them.
I feel more intouch with them then anyone and we're not even blood. Thats why I wear gimma's necklace all the time.
God it hurts.

In other news I gave up on computer art, anime and aymee-topia. I had to make the choice and I chose painting. I don't want to give up on painting. because if I did, thats it, no identity...nothing left in me. I'm taking away my reference crutch and trying to develope an essence but its hard...just to get started...so hard.
and emotionally tiring...like i've mentioned before...I hate everything i do and it makes me cry lol.

I'M ALMOST 20 AND STILL JOBLESS. Everyone makes promises and brakes them, saying they'll help me out then they don't. Alone I can't do it, with help I can't do it...whats left? God knows I've tried. So hard...so very very very hard.
Dad did come threw once though...he got his boss (big donator/artist guy) to sponsor me towards a career at the new art gallery. I did everything asked of me...but guess who sorts threw the companies resumes for his boss? DAD. AND WE ALL KNOW HOW RELIABLE HE CAN BE.
It opened today and dad (who had three months) never even looked at my resume.
Now the place is packed with artists ten times more qualified then I am applying for positions for experience and I have no chance.
On top of that...I'm running out of cash...dad won't support me anymore especially now that i'm almost 20...and i'm not about to ask...he;s not reliable enough. and i'm probably too proud. I dunno.

Life life life

2008-03-16T23:03:00.003-07:00

Work work work out everyday for 30 minutes till you dread waking up in the morning and the movements are so automatic you begin to wonder if they are doing any good at all
Lose lose lose those pounds and shed the hate you feel for your flab until theirs nothing left but all the bad.
Find find find a job, told not to settle for less but no one will hire you when you try for the best.
Die die die a little more inside slowly tormenting yourself, spending your days alone in the house unable to afford to grocery shop.
Help help help your dad with his renovation plans, trying to make yourself feel better and earn your keep around the house.
Dream dream dream of nothing. Dreams once so easy to fly on, adventures and heroics galore, gone within your misery.

Oi. Yes life is grand isent it?
I'm finally commited to getting a job thats something good...but even in the middle of thise job high...no one wants me ;.;
and i've commited myself to college as well. Associates of Arts degree so I can get my bachelors...good thing I graduated early or I would be farther behind then I already am D;

now if only I loved art again.

slow down the world plz

2008-02-12T22:26:00.002-08:00

Life seems to be speeding by so fast! I'm exhausted! Dads descided we're finally gonna remodel the house and guess who ends up doing all the work? me of course. and to top it all off I have to get a THIRD surgery. Other eye this time D:
I hate needles.
Karma owes me BIG.

I'm taking an at home english course which is going well.
And i'm looking for a job :) thats right i think i'm finally ready. It has to be the right job though. or my superstitious nature will slap me around lol.

anyways i'm to tired to talk much just thought i would update :D

chao
Aymee

Myself

2008-01-10T22:32:00.000-08:00

Sorry I havent been here in a bit, I got so caught up in xmas that I just forgot to enter anything here.

As my mission for self improvement and discovery continues, my life seems to continue on the same path it was on when I first started this whole mess.
Thats not to say that nothings been going on. After years of empty promises dad has finally started remodeling the house.
But as anticipated, I'm the one doing all the work. My fingers are all actually bleeding from it and I'm losing my art room.
He's gonna convert it into an office. -sigh-

For someone who loves to be alone all day I sure am becoming lonely.
I don;t really feel like I can rely on anyone I know for comfort with my issues either.
Mostly because I don't know anyone I can be myself around anymore not for quite a few years really but there was always that temporary friend who seemed to pop up out of no where, make my year, then leave.
I scare myself with my eating. I've been dieting for so long now that I'm terrified to stop because if I do I could gain it all back...I don't EVER want to feel that way I did back then...so I keep going.
To compensate for my constant empty heartedness I work.
No not at a job, I don't like people remember? (and yet i'm lonely...huh)
No I do various tasks from sun up to sun down and wake up the next morning in complete muscle agony, so I pop a few tylenol maybe an asperin or two and do it to myself all over again.
I've descided on education goals though. Yay? Its not something I want to do.
I do it because I have no other options, I'm caged theres no where else to go.
My constant day dreaming of something better has become complete torchure.
-sigh- and to top it all off the Wii I was SUPPOSED to get for xmas....was stolen by one of the future shop employees at one of the shipping bays it stopped at from wherever the hell we ordered it from. It was paid for and everything...so we bought some jackass a 200 dollar game machine....-.- and i'm stuck with a harry potter game I can't use without a system.

hey ho lets go.

2007-11-19T16:08:00.001-08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Xmas is near D:
MY POOR WALLET
Just when I was close to 1k in my bank account ;.;
Its a double wammy for me folks, my dads birthday is on thursday and then i got to spend more on xmas presents INCLUDING MATT. Freeloader, this here be mah dough bish! D:<

I got dad a scarf (because he doesent have one which to me is just plain WRONG), scratchcards (from the cat) and beth and I both chipped in to buy him a little one person coffee maker that poors coffee right into a chrome thermis :)
and a can of decafe, even though we both know he drinks regular and just tells everyone he drinks decafe -rolls eyes-

MY HAND, MY POOR POOR HAND!
I've been painting up a strom D: which is both good and bad.
Bad: My hand is perma cramped and they are both dryer then the sahara from washing so many times in a day with dishsoap XP
Good: I'M PAINTING AGAIN 0-0 IN TURBO SPEED....realism....dident even think that was possible XD
I'm doing a great blue heron for my grandpa who loves wildlife and basically taught me to as well.
Burgundy lilys and butterflys for my gran, her fave flower.
And for dad, an album cover from his fave band "Rush" the album is "Fly by Night"
and after that who knows. I'm trying to pace myself.
Might do one for beth....but prob not...I'm gonna paint a pikachu portrait for myself LOL.

I visited my grands and plan to go back after dads bday for xmas shopping because normally I would go closer to xmas and stay till new years but I have a doctors appointment to check on my incision thinger.
Gramps is doing great :) I hear he took his radiation well and is as chipper as ever.

my emac broke D: easy, free fix though. I get it back...TODAY...WITH THE NEW FLASH so I'll be back to my digi art very soon :D

ttyl
<3 Archy

Trickery

2007-10-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

I got to see chelsea, dan, mo and marcia on thursday :D so much fun, marc brought ehr camera....I am so not photogenic ;.; I'm the absolute ugliest thing in existance. I accept that. and so apparently does dan so its all good, i'm not alone.

I tricked dad into buying most of my shopping list today ;D My wonderful hoard of cash is still intact...until tomarrow when I go out to buy me and marc halloween treats :)
I'm gonna make crowny cookies! yay!

I'm slowly beginning to realize that the hate that I hold towards myself may be becoming a bit of a problem.
I don't know why but I just hate myself and everything I do is stupid.
I'll paint something, look at it and just want to break down crying. I can't explain it, same thing when I look in the mirror or get up in the morning.
Well at least I'm trying and actually painting again....and no longer reffering it as the "P" word.

It made me so mad when dan started to talk about my friend page when we were sitting in mcdonalds (I shamelessly gorged...my poor diet)
Page is a really awesome artist and even though the guy i a complete jackass i've always respected him at least a little bit for his talent.
But apparently he doesent even like what he does, he does it because he knows he's good and can get a free ride. He has a job doing it and everything. Something until this conversation I had no idea that I would commit murder to be able to do for a living.

I think it must have showed on my face cause everyone gave me a funny look.

anyways I have to go off and hate my art some more.
ttyl
Archy

I love money :)

2007-10-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

the money counter i got for my birthday is coming into good use :D
I've rolled up to 50 dollars so far ;D
I love money...always have...i remember when i was three and opened a store in front of my room using boxes as a counter and selling random drawings a mice...good times.
I'm getting a little...well...greedy but also miffed.
I do the shopping for the household now along with my other chores which get harder to do cause dad seems to be reverting into caveman form.
but thats not why i'm miffed. ITS MONEY. I have to pay for everything he uses D:< I can't afford art supplies!
-miffed miffed- and as I said...I LOOOOVE money...no...seriously...i REALLY do. If i'm upset I calm down by counting my bills and rolling my change.
Mom used to call me scrooge mcduck XD

I only bring it up because i'm baking cookies for halloween :D in the shape of CROWNY (a character of mine) and i need to buy sugar XD

YAY HALLOWEEN! I'M GOING ALL OUT THIS YEAR! Its been a dream of mine to have an awesomely decorated house...but since its all coming from my wallet...i'm settling for some styrofoam cups painted to look like pumpkins and hung from out tree by thread XD but still...yay! I also found my sisters old witch dress...from her fat years...so...i had to take it in...ALLOT. I also had to make my own necklace for my costume since i can't afford the plastic jewlery from the dollar store which i dream of.

I'm painting again ^^ hopefully it lasts. My book of ideas is filling fast. i've even gotten into the habit of bringing it to the store with me lol. but no money fro supplies and i'm out of white. ITS 30 DOLLARS FOR A TUBE D:

there was more...but...i forgot...OH WELL....ttyl ;D
Arcy

My Bert and Ernies

2007-10-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

I'm just gonna say it. I MISS MY BOOBS.
I'm in boob denile.
My genes have not been good to me.
All my life I've been bridging on a C sized cup.
Until I started loosing all my baby fat.
I now weigh 128 compared to what I used to weigh which was 151...which apparently is average but hey i needed a change. lawl.
The only thing I ever liked about myself was my chest and lets say that its...dwindled....more then a little D:
although I can now pull shirts on over my head and run like the wind without being slapped in the face...I still miss my boys ;.;
So much so that I refuse to go and find out my new size D:< DENILE!

anyways this is more then you need to know XD
as usual.
ttyl
<3 Aymee :D

Grandpa

2007-10-16T02:22:00.001-07:00

My Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer.
I think before my birthday but they dident tell me till I got back.
Its pretty serious, Prostate cancer.

It hurts so much.
Threw eerything my Grandpa was the only one who was always on my side. Even in the old days before beths betrayal when my family would tell me to my face i was useless and dumb.
He's the one who got me into hiking and history and science. All thing I love.

We're waiting for the doc to tell him when his treatment is.
it may take 6 months at the plce in vancouver but only a day or two in ontario.

I want to go visit him (even though he'll still yell at me for having no ambition with my life lol good natured i assure you)
I feel bad because I had invited Ashley to come over for some theraputic painting for her stress.
I dunno what to do, I want to be a good friend...but...I dunno.

You think I should paint something for grandpa in the meant time? Maybe a blue herring...he loves nature...and fishing...

Best Birthday of my Life

2007-10-16T00:48:00.001-07:00

OKAY!
So my birthday was AAAAAWESOME, HUUUUUGE.
I'll start from the beginning.
we got to Vancouver about 3:00 and checked in at the Sheriden, for some strange reason dad made me wait in the car while he got the room keys for a rather long time...a valai parking guy nearly tried to drive away with me...XD
anyways we find out room on the 18th floor room 1805. My ears totally popped in the elevator, in the hall was a mirror that told you what the weather was. I STARED IN APPRECIATION AT THE THING FOR 30 MINUTES. XD
We get into the suite...and DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN, it had a long halways D: LOOOONG and original art work along it and everything.
there were 2 bed rooms, one that was open and had a queen sized bed...NEXT TO A FREAKING PILLAR and surrounded by windows and in front was the sitting area and t.v (score)
Dad got the seperate closed off room (so nice of him :D) AWESOME BATHROOM...godly...shrine worthy. The tub, don't get me started on the tub...WHICH I DIDENT HAVE TO CLEAN! They have people to do that for you =o
I had descided then and there that I wasent gonna do that thing I do when I worry about everything and everyone but myself and let loose.
It was hard at first.
Then dad and I went shopping...0-0...it made me love shopping...I was never a big fan...but walking down main street...and all the shiny fashions and stores...wow...i felt like such a country hick...and i'm not XD
It was rainy so down the marble tiled sidewalk we trudged, me with my mickey mouse umbrella and wide eyed amazment.
Dad insisted on buying me a coat...and here comes that "thinking of everything but myself thing" again.
I feel uncomfortable when people buy things for me. And when ever I see things that arent on sale D: I can't help it, its instinct.
AND THIS WAS DOWN TOWN...where theres nothing under $49.
we went from store to store looking around (THE HMV HAS 3 STORIES)
After searching through about 5 stores for a "nice spring jacket" (dads words) I finally felt comfortable and loose and let compromised with myself.
I'd let him buy me a jacket, but i would let him pick what he would love to see me in (which is usually the opposite to my usual style, i knew it would be something white)
We found it in roots, I wasent thrilled about it at first cause it REALLY wasent something i would wear. But...when i put it on later that day...I fell in love....the inside is a fancy spiral flower like fleur de whatever thing that I actually really like now and its a white hoodie...SO COMFY but expensive! $98!. Even got a red roots lanyard :D so we would get a discount XD
Anyways we got some chocolate from godiva (5 bucks for a peanut butter cup D:...how dare they not have coconut clusters!)
Then we went into an erbal place and found this tea I LOVE but is really hard to find (called Oolong) then off to chapters where I got the book "Grace O'mally Pirate Queen".
By now I was filled to the brim with happyness all worrys of this being awkward with dad looong gone. I really changed allot since the days when beth lived at home and I has the scorge of the family. I think dad was happy to.
one of my favourate parts was going into the book store. My book was on sale for 4.99 ^^; old dog new tricks right? dads was a little more expensive and very illusive.
Its called "IWozz" the documentary about Steve Wozzniak inventor of the macintosh system.
He was quoting it as soon as he opened the thing XD
We walked along saw a guy selling roasted walnuts from a cart (very new york), went into more stores and stopped to look at the old court house and went to see if the Dali exhibit was in the museum yet (it wasent)
then ran for the nearest dollar store because dad needed one more bag for gift wrapping (which he meant to pick up at chapters) let me pick out my own (green plaid) and then we went back to that wonderful wonderful hotel room. With that amazing queen sized bed that was alllll miiiiiine!
I slipped on my new jacket and we went down to the hotel restaurant called "Indigo"
If there was ever an eatery suited for me...it was there!
COLORS! SO MANY COLORS red, blue, purples...everything...0-0...should have taken pictures.
And it geets better..ROLL! THEY BROUGHT ROLLS!
I havent had any bread since may because of my diet! and GOD it was good...hadent even eaten yet and i was satisfied.
Came with a little dish with butter, vinigar and olive oil to dip and the BEST olive spread in the world..and I hate olives 0-0.
Dad ordered fish and myself being a vegitarean had a caesar salad and the mushroom risotto...I had never had it before but saw it allot on "Hells Kitchen". AMAZING, damn I missed eating carbs XD
Dad tried it to and concurred over its amazingness.
but still....ROLLS....-drewls-
Went back up to the room...stared at the weather mirror some more.
Dad then proceded to take pictures of me everywhere I went in our room. (had to shove him away from the bathroom).
The sun had set and wow lights coming from every window. The city was so pretty and I could lie in bed and stare at it forever :)
Then I found out why dad had taken so long to check us in...ROOM SERVICE.
CAKE!!!
No, not cake....the room service guy came in carrying two silver trays put them on the coffee table and when dad lifted up the fancy lids over the mystery meal I nearly died.
CHOCOLATE SOUFLE' WITH CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM and ice water (which was much needed after all that choco)
It also came with kiwi and strawberrys. I will dream about this dessert for years...god I love kiwi.
The out side was wonderfully crispy and the inside was nothing but a flow of warm home made liquid chocolate which i dipped the kiwi and strawberrys in...AAAAAWRGH. And to top it all off it turns out the desk guy dad had talked to about the cake while he checked in...had given it given it to us for free...AND customised it with the chocolate icecream :D and kiwi.
Then we opened presents :)
This year I dident get random lamps and clocks.
This year was truley a great hall! $150 in all from various relatives (still waiting on some cards) a money counter :D (i like money) from grands F and N. 2 books from beth (memoirs of a geisha and the dictionary encyclopedia of superstitions) and no sugar junior mints and gum AWESOME. 19 scratchcards from matt (won 6 bucks) A Homer and Plopper talking statue (yet to have batterys for no idea what it says) and the new I-pod nano baby blue (whom I named fluffy) From dad <3 <3 <3 on top of all the stuff he had bought me that day ;.; <3 <3 <3 I'm totally not worth it.
Then we turned on the t.v and got an in room movie "Pirates of the caribean 3" which i had been dying to see.
We made some of my tea and sat back till dad couldent wait any longer to read his book and have a bath so I sat enjoying the movie (and my money) alone watching the city lights.

I know this is long and yes there is MUCH more but please bare with me ;D
I had a rather restless night. I was unable to sleep, and I'm a really good sleeper...champion if I may be so bold ;D...I can usually only not sleep when something bads happend. Something had...the worst...but we'll get to that later.
Next morning I got up, and dad had gone down to see if the restaurant was still serving breakfast at 10.
Had the best shower EEEEEEEEEEVER (I want to steal that tub)
Got dressed, put on my jacket (which by now had turned into my baby)
and we went down to the large room where they held the buffet...we descided not to order the buffet instead we had eggs.
THEY HAD A HEALTHY OPTION FOR PEOPLE CONCERNED ABOUT CHOLESTEROL! IT WAS VEGITAREAN (thrill thrill)....-drewls- english muffin....wheeeeeeeat.
We were talking while waiting for our orders...about the buffet...by now it was over and people were leaving (there were a few stragglers but i think we were the last breakfasts to be served that day)
our waiter heard us and thought we wanted to change our order to the buffet (when really to our embarassment we were putting it down for its horrible prices)
Dad made up the excuse that everything was covered and they were most likely done anyways.
The guy began to go on about yes its done but its all going to be thrown out anyways so go ahead and help yourself FOR FREE. So dad not wanting to be impolite and rather thankful to the waiter got up and got me...KIWIS oh glorious kiwis...

sadly after that...it was time to check out...got our stuff together...stopped at the gift store to buy me a bandaid (i got a blister from walking around that HUGE hotel)
then we drove down Chinatown <3 alas we were unable to walk down it like we planned because by now it was raining and I was getting sick (I do every year around my birthday)
but it was pretty so I dident mind to much :)
We made a stop at metro town and went straight to the Sakura anime store :D I WAS SO FLUSTERED. It was heaven I dident know what to buy.
In the end dad (who was confused about the strange creatures from different shows)
bought me a Chobits plush of the sad little bunny who was always "searching for its one and only" ;.; Such an awesome show.

so a while later we got home tired and laden with bags.
an hour later dad was sleeping, exhausted. and myself who's legs were to soar to allow her rest was sitting cataloging on my bed all the things I had recieved and who had given them to me for future reference (I'm weird okay) but unfortunately I never got to finish this task...I soon found out why I couldent sleep that night.
Mo was on the phone.
And she immediately gave it off to my childhood best friend Aaron.
Strange, don't talk to Aaron much I thought, but i was happy to hear his voice none the less.
Unfortunately my ears were horrible stuffed due to my cold so to my embarassement i had a hard time comprehending a few things but in the end I got the jist.
He had gotten into a horrible car accident...on my birthday...damn my birthday curse! (something always goes wrong)
My happyness had slipped away instantly.
He assured me he was fine, although he couldent remember anything.
and he had a punctured lung and broken rib...that set my imagination off of course...imagining a gruesome figure wheezing in a hospital bed covered in blood.
He then passed me onto mo, who asked me to come to the hospital where they were. I asked dad for a ride. But he refused groggily and yelled at me for wasting his cell phone battery (his charger was at the office)
After some nagging mo offered to give me a ride. Of course dad wouldent let me go (he's wise that one) I know I'm 19 now and really don't have to listen to him, but its my experience that often other people know how you work better then yourself.
So I agreed and mo said she would pick me up tomarrow instead, gave me a way to get him a present.
I then broke down crying (my imagination going at it again) I'm thankful for dad stopping me going because then I probably would have been to tired to do much of anything at the hospital and unable to keep my emotions under control.
To my bodys utter dislike I got up early, to my surprise Marcia came along :)
I asked all the questions I had been pondering about Aaron all night.
Felt a little relieved but not much, we drove past the accident...that dident help much.
When we stepped into the hospital I was surprisingly calm.
Sadly it was like returning home...I was a little disapointed that we dident up up the lobby elevator like we did to see mom.
Often I meet the doctors I used to know many years ago in pharmacy's are shopping center and kept my eyes peeled for a choice nurse or two but saw no one.
I got Aaron a stuffed pug dog at the gift stand (again memory lane) at the suggestion of the lady who said she had no huskys (Aarons fave).

And of course...Aaron was not bloody in appearance...nor was his eye falling out of his socket and there were no stitches in his face.
He had injurys beneath the covers I'm sure (There was a tube sticking out of his side, that was a hint) but for peace of mind (and for Aarons dignity which his mother later squashed by revealing his loony toons boxers which had been wearing for the last three days) I dident dare look.
Over all he was his chipper self just as I remembered him from elementary school.
So I knew he was in pain, the idiot always wanting to make others feel better before himself.
Allot happend, and I still worry allot about him today. But he's not dead and for that I'm thankful. I wanted to visit again really badly...but I got sick with a horrible HORRIBLE flu. I wa s literally passed out for 2 days.
I woke up feeling horribly guilty for not visiting him more :(
Still feel guilty. But being raised in polite society I know its better for him to rest without visitors anyways. -sigh-

Halloweens on the way! And dad and I went shopping for more decoratins! I wanna go all out this year! (Even bought a witch hat...which five seconds in the door my cat stol as for bed)
I hope I'll be able to do something with marc again this year (TRADITION...usually hang out on Aarons lawn eating candy and scaring children sometimes dancing to the eerie music his neighbors play).
But sadly I havent talked to marcia as much lately :( -worry worry-
I know she's probably busy with work and such and I really dun wanna be a bother.
:) Maybe mo will do something with me...
GOD I LOVE HALLOWEEN!
Best time of the year...and I'm learning allot about it from the superstitions book beth gave me...a big day for virgins apparently XD
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HALLOWEEN -squeel-

...I have a doctors appointment at 9am halloween day :( I hope I can get back from vancouver in time for some fun.

P.S: Today I finished Writing Part One of my Story :D 11 pages. WEEEEEE.

Surprising events

2007-10-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

as you know my birthday is in 3 days.
And what you may or may not know is that for the last 4-5 months dad has been promising and putting off (like he tends to do) taking me to china town I LOVE CHINA TOWN. but knowing dad i dident get my hopes up.
HOWEVER for my birthday he's descided and has already reserved a room in downtown van in a fancy hotel...did I say room? I meant SUITE and guess who gets the queen bed -breaks it down- oh yaaaa oh yaaaa.
BUT thats not all! Check in time is 3 o'clock sooooo we're stopping off in metrotown....to check out the sakura store 0-0 the one that beth will never let me go into whenever we're there XD
not to mention he has done major research on all the anime stores in the city.
Obviously he's trying to make up for the last 6 birthdays.

I just hope i can enjoy it.

I'm not exactly daddy's little girl and I get very awkward when I have to go anywhere with him. Don't get me wrong, i'm not embarassed to be seen with him in public. We just have nothing to talk about.

-sigh- wish me luck

OH also he's ordered me a red ipod nano :D proceeds go to aids in africa foundation.
yay

<3 Aymee

8 Days

2007-09-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

So its 8 days till my 19th berfday (thats right BERF).
Not thrilled, I hate my birthdays...everyone elses is great :) but i never like mine...I always get excited then put down.
I'm buying myself a prezzie this year just so I have something to unwrap :D
better then nothing.
Don't tell me but i'm making myself a bracelette with bells on it :) cause bells make me happy...and clouds...I like clouds....

I finally finished the cleaning out the closet of death. YIKES was that a challenge.
But its all clean and labeled in there now, dads happy at least.
I think I'll chill a bit from cleaning as a bday present for myself.
but after the 6th i'm right back on it....THENS HALLOWEEN....and thanksgiving....but screw thanksgiving.
Last year my grands tried to have a party for me...with fam i barely know...not good...annoys me to no end....
I know they meant well but....ug....

anyways ttyl <3
Archy

I never knew i had it in me 0-0

2007-09-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

I DID IT! I FINALLY DID IT.
I went on the bus to Safeway all by myself and didn't get lost! :D
To the rest of you this maybe a minor achievement but to me its rather large.
I bought the grocery's for dad :) and that makes me happy.
I'm a little disappointed though. I thought if i finally did it, i would feel more independent but some how i feel the same...maybe its because i already am independent D:
well then i just wasted three hours.

oh heres something funny...while i was waiting for the bus that would take me home it was so hot i could hardly stand it. So I took the cheese out of my bag and rubbed its cool cool dairy goodness all over my face XD just when an old guy rolled by in one of those scooter things XD gave me the queerist look XD I REGRET NOTHING, IT FELT FUCKING FANTASTIC. In fact, i'm endorsing it. COMMON EVERYONE GRAB YOUR HAVARTI AND RUB IT ON YOUR CHEEK. ya know ya wanna ;D
XD

My petcetera club card came today :D huzzah!

Lost time XD

2007-09-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

It seems like the days have flown by and I have lost all rack of time. So much so that I very much doubt i'll finish writing my story by my birthday ^-^;

Uguuu~

I had wanted to finish it so i could print it off and bind it together with ribbon with a real-like front and back page, wrap it and give it to myself for my birthday. So that i would have something so open this year ^-^;
oh well.

Awhile ago i had asked my dad whether or not he wants me to get a job. I don't want to do anything to upset him since he's still on all those pills cause of beth.
I think i finally got an answer. He's been putting it off and mumbling confusing excuses throwing me off.

So I'm gonna put my dream life and dream job at michaels on hold for awhile.
I just want to make him happy.
So I'll continue to do my best and work hard here at home cleaning, cooking, gardening and doing the laundry. :)

Anxiety

2007-09-20T17:27:00.000-07:00

So as you all know i have a large level of anxiety. it really kicks in when alone andor around strangers.
I've been doing really well recently though.
for the last year i've been going out on my own, especially on my bike which i ride 4 times a week.
I've ridden it to lots of stores so i could do the shopping for dad :)
...unfortunately...its a long ride up hill to any stores from here.
SO, i'me learning the bus system.
My goal...SAFEWAY...I can get to IGA allot easier since i've been their by bus allot with various people.
But it doesent have allot of stuff...actually its pretty useless.

Everyday this month i've been trying to get up the nerve to get on that bus.
Problem 1) I'm terrified of buses for some unknown reason
problem 2) I can get their but i'm not so positive about how to get back XD
since i've never done it before.

TOMARROW WILL BE THE DAY I TELL YOU...of course thats what i said yesterday...

Anywho...still cleaning out the closet of doom...I found ym old phsyciatric reports that say i am severly disabled...and need anger management....but that was only grade one XD so I am not quite as insulted as i normally would be (yeeears later XD)

oops i have more to tell but dads just pulled up

ttyl

The Closet

2007-09-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

Hey there readers.
I havent told you this yet but since beth moved out crushing my family and getting her excommunicated from family events.
I've been trying to keep dads mind off of things by completely sanitizing and evaluating the house.
aka MAAAJOUR CLEANING. The first bit of cleaning thats been done in like 10 years...arent I lucky? -.-

I'm 70% done the entire place 90% the upstairs...just the little nooks and crannys...which brings me to my point of discussion which i called...THE CLOSET.
The family closet i've been dreading to enter, its full of family photo's of people i barely know or have no clue how they are relevant.
Allot of it is stuff my moms real parents sent her so she knew where she came from...I'm not sure what to do with it all since...well...moms dead and i'm not close with that side of the family...funny enough i'm more like the adoptive half then the ones i'm blood with. They kinda hate me, i'm not musical enough for them.

Anyways, I havent gotten much into photo's yet. so no tears over the days when i was happy.

Mostly school stuff...BETHS ENTIRE BOX OF AWARDS.
and my ENTIRE BOX OF PSYCOLOGICAL REPORTS. XD
I found an award for enviromental awareness from the mayor of our city in beths...which really surprised me because she thinks littering helps the community by feeding the seagulls and hobo's.
And that oil tankers spilling toxins into the ocean is okay because they can just fill it up with more water to even it out.
ya...blonde.

Ciao

Hiring.

2007-09-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone seems to be hiring now-a-days.
The two places i would love to work both have huge banners posted right outside.
Petcetera, and michaels.

...I was in Michaels today buying canvas and picked out an application...then dad openind his big mouth....and in sets the anxiety.
I AM SO GOD DAMN CONFUSED.
Everyones telling me to do something with my life and when i finally set my mind to it they manage to talk me down!.
It brings me tofreaking tears because i dunno what to do.
I wish people would stock jerking me around ;.;
It doesent help that this application asks about things i couldent possibly know.
or that michaels is an art store and i can't even say the "p" word without twitching out lately, yet i still picked up the bloody application.
Reflex? or gods idea of a cruel joke? You be the judge.

whats wrong with me -.-

2007-09-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Honestly, what the heck is wrong with me?
I'll do something that will complete stoke me up and make me feel so proud of myself.
Like write some of my story or even surprisingly enough, finish painting a picture.
I'll be completely euphoric for about three hours and then I have an emotional train wreck.D:
Its horrid.
Absolutely horrid.;.;
I'll be thinking, "yay! I finally got something done :D I've wanted to this for so long yay me!"
and then its "God I suck, why do i bother? whats the point, in the long run its not gonna matter?"
-sigh-

Yes today I "p" worded (painted, still hurts to say the actual word)
;.; but i'm not good, i dunno why i bother.
it used to be so easy.
I dident worry about whether it was good or not, it was just fun and people loved me for it.
But now I doubt myself so much it makes me cry.
I've been trying so hard to break out of this, forcing myself to "P" word.
But nothing seems to be getting through.
;.; whats a girl to do?

cheers

Writer to Buddy :)

2007-09-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

:D I got some of my writing donw today thanks to a friend of mine on deviantart.com named "snicka" who, even though i don't know her in real life is going out her way to support me and encourage me. Its so touching how people can be kind to strangers like this.
Another friend of mine named April is the same way, she really supports me in anything i wanna do.
As I was thinking about this today I realized what a great friend I have in Marcia.
So I did the only thing I could do (not well but its something) I drew her a picture :D and its actually one i'm happy with.
Usually when i'm drawing gift art i get really sloppy. But i worked really hard and produced a 5 hour piece worthy of any desktop :)

I'm on page 7 of my story btw.

cheers

Walking to writing

2007-09-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the paws for a cause walk :D AAAAAAAWESOME.
...would have been better if i wasent so tired though...I don't sleep well anymore, i couldent tell you why.
Marcia and I have completed our mission and obtained t-shirts ;D
I met mo's b-friend the hillbilly who lives in his car, Dale.
Oddly enough i thought we was pretty cool.
But apparently he's a druggie D:<
so, no go.
Shot down.
Shunned.
Access Denied.
...Mo gave me a cookie...WHICH I ACTUALLY ATE DESPITE MY DIET...so good...so chewy ;.;

As for today, I felt pretty useless and awkward today :(
I just did.
On the other hand I've descided i wanna try and finish writing my Aymee-Topia (A VERY long running story about the world in my head) story by my birthday as a present for myself. CAN I DO IT!? Probably not....I started in june....and am currently on page 5...-sigh- such a failure.

Today

2007-09-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

I'm still fighting to lose weight! >:D and so far so good, been on it since may and have lost a bunch.
I am completely addicted to tofu, i can't go a day without it D:
At first it was gross but after trying it grilled in onions and garlic and some of that amazing miso flavoured stuff....aaaawrgh so tasty.

Tomarrows the SPCA paws for a cause walk, going with marc :) who else?
I wonder if dan will come to. Probably not, he's been having difficultys with his ex mo...have i told you this already? well I'll tell you again...if you've stuck around throughout my entire bloggers career you would no mo is marcias sister.
Dated more people then I have fingers and toes. XD
including dan who she recently broke up with :( and he has taken to nursing a rum bottle.

Dan lives with marc and mo at this point in time and marc says that he's "been nursing a rum bottle"
we suspect he's been spending most of his days at our GAAAY friend tristans house who's visiting his dad before he goes back to his vibrating boytoy Ian...who (if humanly possible) is more spiteful and vindictive then even myself.
I'm worried about Dan though :(

<3 Archy

I worry to much

2007-09-08T01:38:00.000-07:00

Not just a statement, tis a fact.
At least I'm aware of it XD thats a plus.
I was so upity today because I'm supposed to go to this spca walk fundraiser thing (yay animals) with my friend marc :D but of course I dident bring up what our meeting time and such would be last time i talked to here...because i'm naive XD
So I spent all day on msn to see if she would come online LOL (drew a nifty picture though) i'm such a freak.
=o to my surprise she had it all planned already given me a ride an everything, here i thught i would just be meeting her :D but this is better. yay marc XD

I fear my lack of human contact has put me back into my shell of shyness...I guess the proof is in the pudding aka the spca walk :) we'll see how things turn out.

stitches

2007-09-06T19:19:00.000-07:00

I got my stitches out today, wasent to bad but i gotta go back for a check up on halloween :( I hope i'll be back in time to party.
stupid traffic.
they shall not deny me the sweet sweet darkness of the season.

I contemplate what i wanna do with my life ALLOT as you know, this week...vet assistant.
only problem is that i may have to learn how to use a needle...my greatest fear D:...next to spiders...and the dark...and those stems on pickles GOD THOSE THINGS ARE CREEPY -hate hate hate-

Lullaby of stars

2007-09-06T01:40:00.000-07:00

Its been so Long since I wrote anything, So i thought i would write a lullaby :) horrible but at least its something

Lullaby of stars

lets whisper love
here by my side
let me dream
of happy days
long passed by

show me stars
point them out
up in the sky
gentle winds
sweep us up
in this lullaby

hold me tight
in this warmth
your sweet embrace
let us stay
here together
in this place

purple flames
dance softly
in the dark
knowing not
what passion
burns so hot

twinkle stars
till morning
when we awake
memories
fading silent
dim heartache

this lullaby
forgotten
so far away
stars grow dim
will shine again
another day

Okay then :)

2007-09-06T00:52:00.000-07:00

Very slowly I'm rebuilding myself.
I lost allot of who i was these last two years.
I sunk so low as to even refer painting as the dreaded "P" word. It hurt to bad to even say it :(
I regret allot of my life (even though i'm so young i have yet to really lived)
But at least i no longer sleep way past noon in an attempt to ignore the myself and the world.
I find gardening a helpful way to get me up and dressed :D my poppies and started to bloom.
I have no idea what I want to do with life so I'm still taking random courses that interest me in an attempt to keep my grandparents happy.
I feel guilty allot of the time for being completely useless.
So I clean the house for dad while he's at work.
I know he's still not over what beth did to him, and continues to do to him.
But I have no problem being second best, its where I'm comfortable...although i'm still not used to talking to him everyday.
I'm painting a little bit again...its to soon to admit it to anyone though its a tender spot.
Maybe I'll make something marc...even though she probably wouldent care. XD

My friends dan and mo who were dating broke up...apparently mo's being a hag about the whole thing intentionally hurting dan, I wish i could help but i'm not a very useful person in these kind of situations...or any situation really lol.
Paws for a cause spca walk is coming up.
I havent seen marc in awhile so thats always good.
I love helping animals or taking part in things like this.
I dunno why, people think i'm crazy for the length i'd go to do something about it.

Aarons birthday was on the 2nd, i sent him the usual e-mail.
:)

Its been far to long

2007-05-29T00:40:00.000-07:00

Its been far to long since i've written anything truley heart felt here.
As I read back from my first entry it was as if i was watching my younger self grow into a different person.
I never realized how amazing my writing was.
Or how petty people were...how petty people are.

Now a days a teenage girls written feelings of utter dispare and pain would be shunned and ridiculed as "Emo" a slang term that once stood for nothing but its full version "Emotional" but has been completely torn apart by self righteous highschool bullies meant to hurt and cause distress.

As i read threw my scribblings, I realized that it all happend in a single year.
You cannot begin to comprehend how amazed i was to find i had pulled myself out of such a deep stupor so fast.
The wounds will never heal, thats only natural.
Without the aid of pills I will never feel happiness again.
As what happens to 70% of true victums of depression.

I wish i could tell you everything of my life since i was in highschool.
How much my blogger friends meant to me and how devastating it was to see them all lose interest in the site.
How I loved and Lost.
How I did indeed after many years find my spirit guide.
How I still fail at everything i try, but rarely let it bother me anymore.
How Marcia and I continued to be friends and how Aaron cut me from his life completely.

Oh so many tales to tell and so much time to tell them :)

quiz

2007-04-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

[img]http://onnachance.com/quiz/elohite.gif[/img]
[url=http://onnachance.com/quiz/celestial.htm]Find your Celestial Choir[/url]

Art Show

2007-01-31T01:06:00.000-08:00

So.
As a Second year art student (thats the great thing about my advance classes semester class's are counted in years)
I may or may not have one of my pieces shown in one of my teachers shows.

I've been working so hard on this project that it literally hurts to hold a brush D:
Its a project created to teach us the monochromatics of color and their opposing positions on the color wheel.

Basically an image sectioned into three strips on a 3x3 ft board of masonite done in a primary, its secondary and the interlacing color of our choice.
NO OTHER COLORS ALLOWD IN THERE PERIMITERS.
So i was a little pissed.

Anyways wish me luck ;D

Oi

2007-01-21T22:06:00.000-08:00

Why do I do this to myself.
I'm currently on an adventure to the bottom of a bag of choc. chips.

By now most of you have realized that I was indeed born with Chronic depression.
Being forever the optimistic pessimist I will inform you that although it sounds like something unbelievably terribel its really not that bad.
I either feel unbelievable, anger, sadness or dread and when the weather permits...I feel nothing at all and continue on my way to sarcastic enlightenment.
When it all gets really bad (for no reason i can think of) I dive into the happyness that is choc.
Such as when my mind is wheeling with thoughts of my one true love and passion, art of course.
Indeed it causes me the most pain in my emotional theme park but if I could remember what happyness is, it would be art.
Its very rare in the world when you are able to say "I was meant to do this" these people know that although the person your speaking to smiles and nods in agreement...they do not truely understand...nor do the people who ACTUALLY are able to say this...its very confusing...but if you know, you know thus i have no need to go further into the subject.

So I shall leave you and continue upon this epic journey of sugar and diabete's while contemplating my latest art endeavor. Loving myself and intensely despising my being all at the same time

update :D

2006-12-08T02:51:00.000-08:00

Finished my first semester of college! My prediction is B's all around :D
wasent that bad ^^
The only thing i gotta worry about is what i wanna do with my life and how to avoid talk of getting a job with my nosy ass family

Bad day

2006-10-20T04:41:00.000-07:00

Today was just the king of bad days for me.
I could sense it was gonna be a pretty bad one from the moment I woke up.
Everything just seemed to go wrong.
I couldent remember a thing anyone told me, I (being a huge cat lover) was stupid enough to tell dog fans I had a cat and they basically ripped mah bebeh a new one.
I left a pencil case full of 50 bucks worth of art supplies in my art class by mistake.
Something uber good happend to the most pompus spoiled egotistical little brat on the face of this planet and thus proceeded to rub it royally in mah face. I found out a project I've been having trouble starting (for lack of materials) is due next thursday, its a BIG project
AND my father loves andy warhol (WHO SUCKS BALLS IN MAH OPINION)

I just wanna curl up and cry with a cookie and mah mommy

Birthday

2006-10-07T00:41:00.000-07:00

Well the terror that is a "family" Gathering (if you call three people and a cat gathered around a lit candle a gathering) has ended and I am left 18 and fully disappointed for another year.

I know its not about the presents but about living for another full year...BUT OMFG.

2 lamps and "The devil clock".
This just shows how much my family pays attention to what I tell them.

well, well where to start...shall we say the lamps?
Well...for some strange reason my father seemed to assume I wanted lamps...I did want A lamp as in ONE that could sit happily on my desk while I typed up hw on my laptop or brighten my sharpie sketches as I endevered to improve on my art skills...of course he got one that looks like it came from fisherprace (fisherprice wannabe), needs to be clipped onto something -.- and looks about to fall apart any second....god I'm so depressed by the sadness of this I can barely type...

the REALLY sad thing is they had a birthday list to go on. every year they ignore it. -sigh-

I FUCKIN HATE BIRTHDAYS

Milestones is the poon

2006-10-04T00:27:00.000-07:00

Well today dad actually put some effort into getting involved in his beloved oldest childs life...at the expense of me.
Dragging a vegitarean to a well known salmon abusive bar and grill, milestones is the poon.
Anyways it was an awkward 2 hours as dad my sis and her bf (whom she moved in with awhile back in a gut wretching display of bitchery and without showing any regard for my fathers feelings by leaving a devastatingly cruel note and taking off)
sat trying to make small talk (my self interjecting with snippits of questions upon both of their manhoods)
eventually dad got bored or disgruntled with the 2 of them and proceeded with shoving a nasty looking cornbread muffin in my face (I knowing better had chosen to stick to pepsi and pepsi alone knowing exactly the sanitary conditions of their head chef) for the last half hour.

One good note though. When we got home he actually asked me what kind of cake I wanted for my birthday instead of just assuming I would choose icecream because it was my sisters fave XD....I chose icecream...I think I've been whipped...

PEACE OUT

Abuse

2006-10-02T15:51:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought all was good and I had left the hate behind me. The abuse begins.
I really shouldent talk to mo anymore, but its not that easy considering one of the two people who listen to me is her sister. I pity her.
Mo is the same one who did the bitchy bitching (XD) in writing with the blob way back when...I wrote about it in here. She's the one who got pissed at me for having a bad week cause my family was falling apart and to this day treats me like crap.
She's also the rumor mill back with my friends who are still in highschool so its almost guaranteed that they will no longer wanna talk to me when I go to see them on my birthday (which is the 6th btw)
Fuck I hate birthdays, just another day to get excited over and then get all disapointed...-sigh- story of my life ladies and gentlemen.

College update

2006-09-28T00:20:00.000-07:00

I havent been in school very long but it feels like forever. and in a good way.
Surprisingly I fit in perfectly. Everyones so hopped up on coffee and energy drinks that they all think I'm like them! (even though I don't drink that stuff bleck)
I'm enjoying my two classes writing and art. Arts a little discouraging because I don't have all my supplies yet and thats very annoying.
Writing I love, My new friends I love. Its all good.
I get to sleep in everyday! And I go to class 3 times a week and get a ride both there and back for each.
Its so workin for me that after writing I wish dad wouldent come so bloody early so I could stay and hang! ^^

Art

2006-09-08T00:08:00.000-07:00

I went to my first college art class eeever! and the moment my teacher started talking I was stolked! LIKE UBER STOLKED! Very little sketching...very happy about that...unfortunately...its what we're sketching that has me on edge.
Nude models.
I know its a part of life blah blah blah.

But I'm only 17 and I still like to think that this part of life won't hit me for awhile...I don't know...I could handle seeing women...because well I see a naked women everyday in the mirror (damn fine btw lol) its just well...YA KNOW!?

Tainted Photographs

2006-09-03T02:24:00.000-07:00

Since I gradded last school year I descided to re-decorate my room. After all the surroundings I put up during my years in highschool are no longer who I am.
I was gonna have a wall of some of the photo's of the people who have been like a family to me when my own rejected everything I stood for.
But since choosing the ones to adorn my walls I look down on them and remember all that they've been to me.
Nothing came to mind.
I hate to admit it but all those years of doing everything I could to make them happy visioning in my mind the good karma that awaited me at the end of the day....nothing ever happend.
They were vindictive bastards.
As I look down at there reflective smiling faces in these photo's I realize all I ever saw were the people I wanted to see, not the people they were.
They were cruel and abusive, and in turn made myself cruel and abusive at times.

So I ask myself why should I put there faces in my space so I remember them when they most likely won't give a damn if they remember me?

So I say screw them.

omg babyz!

2006-08-22T23:20:00.000-07:00

Omg! my friend had her baby! I'm so proud of her ^^. To go threw graduation with a stomach the size of a football field. oi.
She named her Ashleigh Renae as we all knew she would. I'm sure jenn was happy that she was born on a sunday (divine intervention and all that) On the 20th! Ironically that was the day I was pondering what to get her. lol.
Would painting something be cheesy and sad? probably but its not like I have a way of getting her anything. I'll do my best.
I'm gonna have to make time to go and visit! Maybe I can convince chels and marc to go to :D...although chels lives far away.
Maybe mo will come.
lol.
Anyways I'm totally stoked about it! o0o0o0o little baby!

quiz

2006-08-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

What Kind of Girl are you? (Includes HOT Pictures)

You're a Artistic Hottie! You're probably an artistic hottie, Your hot to all, but for some reason you don't see it yourself and are very shy, you hang out with prep's but don't really say much, every guy envie's you and wishes to be with you, but your to shy to open up to anyone, you just need to open your barrier. You only use the internet to post your Art/Music/Storie's for all to gawk at and wish they were that good.You wear preppy clothing, but aren't quite considered a prep. To everyone your the quiet hot girl who won't talk to anyone.Likely death? You'll become a celebrity, but be targeted by a serial killer.
Take this quiz!

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Join

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So Long

2006-08-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

A very good friend of mine moved away and no one cared enough to tell me.

Not very happy....

The diet

2006-08-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

*cough* *hack* *die*

Sorry if this entry isent as wonderful and expressive as my later works but in case you havent guessed *cough* *hack *die* Its flu season again and of course if its there I'll catch it.

Surprisinginly I have been sticking to the diet I started so long ago with chels and marc.
I think I started at 160 and now I'm at 147.
my height is 5,4 so I think average weight would be 130?

I KNOW SUCH A FUCKIN GIRLY START FOR THIS ENTRY. Sorry. lol.
So anyways I really didetn get around to explaining all the things that went down at tristans party. Which looking back a few days later wasent the worst thing ever.
We all tried that "test your strength" hammer thing. I got 5/12!....everyone else got 10 or above ^^;;
ya I'm sad that way.

College

2006-08-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

I don't kow what to do. I'm gonna be starting college soon and I know I'm not ready. I've never been a get up and go type of person or a peoples person really.
I know what I know and I don't learn easily. Plain and simple.
I'm only taking two classes for the first semester. And I still don't like it. I hate change and I alway will.
I just don't think college is for me and yet I'm forcing myself to go threw it. Go figure.

-continues on with pessimistic rantings-

I should be

2006-08-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

Hey, I just got back from a fun party and in the after math of I should feel happy. But like always I don't. I'm getting a little tired of this hole thing with me.
I wonder if this is some kind of medical condition.
Not gonna find out though cause doc's think everything is a medical condition.
Ya I remember what emotions are. Just because I don't have any doesent mean I'm terminal.
Don't get me wrong. I do feel. But only at the time when it happens. later on I forget all about what it felt like and then I'm depressed...then I forget that.
I dunno....is that normal?
It takes allot to make me happy though...If anything I'm more paranoid. Maybe I'm just to paranoid to be happy...huh...

New Bg

2006-08-09T23:24:00.000-07:00

OK my new bg is hawt...oh ya and uh I tried to start a new blog but that thrill got boring fast. Looks like I'm stuck with the free porn.
wooooooo chicken fetus fetish for all!

SO...

2006-08-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

so...I've been trying to get a descent bg for my blog...not workin out to good. I'm considering switching blogs. This site seems far to full of adds for porn and not enough about people who care....PORK PORN FOREVER. Sorry I felt the need to give to the cause.

Dads been makin plans to finally buy me my grad gift. A laptop with a free nano free camera and mic! So happy! and a remote! THE LAZYNESS LIVES ON!

I can make sexual gestures with muffins online! OH JOY!

Art

2006-08-09T01:20:00.000-07:00

Very few people know what there passion is 100%. Luckily I learned this year that my passion is art, painting and getting better at it.
I've been ruthlessly shotting out work after work blowing everyone else far behind.
I've hit my first snag since my self rightous discovery. My first boulder in the road. Ever since I gradded and I found myself painting outside of my beloved artroom.
Away from the people who watched me create each and every piece. Watching me bring to the world a presiouse gift. Watching as my face lit up at the sight of a new canvas and watching my irresitabley rub a hand over the canvas when its blank and when its alive with color.
They witnessed my skill with speed spending no longer then 7 hours on a piece before I created something I was satisfied with.
But now I have left one unfinished so long that the oil paint is completely dry! A feet usually taking close to three weeks.
I feel unable to pick up a brush and apprehensive when I'm ready to draw something with my mouse.

Why don't I talk to the ones who've supported me most? Well because I seem to always be the one who helps them. Not the other way around.
What to do what to do.

uh about that template

2006-06-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

It hurt my eyes so I switched back....^.^;

Looking back

2006-06-23T23:21:00.000-07:00

Ya I've been reading my old posts/comments again.
So many people who I have never met have helped me so much.

The things you remember are so random, eh? I found the entry called "lost marbles" from way back in october 2004.
I remembered dan told me he printed it off to keep. I don't know why. I never asked, but I remember.

a new beginning

2006-06-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

in case ya dident catch on from my last post I was very very deeply depressed. Highschool has ended for me. From was fun we went to the theme park next door and bumber cared in our dresses, dry grad was...amusing to say the least, prop actors rule in scottish jepeordy.
However it all was ending to soon for me and I had found myself in a state of depression which I had only felt once before during my angsty teen stage which this blog was built around, originally.
I am 17 years old and unable to cope. Until today...as I was slumbering threw 2:00 there was a knock on my door and the people who I feared I would never see again forced their way threw the door and up to where I groggily stood in my haze of self pity.
Just with their unknowing presence they brought me forth into the glow of summer joy.

So to celebrate a new beginning, I have changed my blog template. Which each new beginning there is change and I can't say I won't be scared but I realize now that it isent the end of the world and I can't lose people so easily.

goodbye

2006-06-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

I want to write about it...but there is no words yet to express my grief.

Another new theory

2006-05-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

My art teacher Mr. Keriluik (CARE-AH-LAK) is merlins reincarnation.
How did I come to this conclusion? well as you might already know, their are many MAAANY movies on the subject of King arthur and his knights sittin about a bloody round table (why I have yet to surmise... but I have a pretty good idea which may come later) Merlin has always been portrayed as a wise (but surely fiesty) old guy with crazy grey hair, impulsive yet wise teaching abilitie and a magical talent to get people to do what he wanted threw words.
needless to say those who know Mr. K are nodding their heads.

More vindictive qualities

2006-05-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

Yes I am actually making a list of why I currently hate mo...although I've always hated her...maybe cause the first words she said to me were fuck of you bitching jackass...all I had said was "Hi"...

1) Self centered bastard
2) creates remorial ceremonies but doesent invite people closest to the deceased.
3) Hits on everything with legs in a way that is so bluntly obvious that even I can tell
4) assumes the worst of everyone and when the one person who's opinion matters the most denies her stupidities she goes on disproving it.
5) drama queen with the false fear
6) when someone says Hi she freaks out
7)she hasent given me the means to make a list which is just sad.

spiteful but amusing poetry

2006-05-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

this is the worst poem ever but I had to write it what with all the selfish idiotic things that are goin on right now...its terrible but ever so right.

Mo your a dyke,
think only of yourself,
nothing very new
you know its so true

You made a freakin quilt
in memory of him
all that native stuff,
was important back then

but now its the future,
can you tell this rhymes?
bet you can’t even
tell me the time

you open up old hurts
for your selfish gain
he wouldent want this
stupidity reins

sure he played football
and wasent very white
but can you tell me
what colors he liked?

what were his hobbies?
his favourite food?
bet that doesent matter
to someone like you.

ENT 12

2006-05-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

Tristan loved his cake. He seemed very happy about it and according to marc, page was unbelievably jealous. oh burn. He's been nice lately...don't know why...so unlike him.

Anyways today I had to start on my ENT12 project it wasent that bad...but only 5 people bought tickets and marc bought like...3 of em so she has the best chance of winning I'd say...-.- Need more advertissing...

Actually I had more but when I was tryin to put em up marc was all "use duct tape use duct tape use duct tape" so I tell her to go ahead and she just sat there so I just threw em all out. Don't need bullshit...

Gran's comin down tomarrow...to shop for accessories...Not so excited anymore because apparently I have to have a fuckin congradulation party...and there makin me send out invites...and I don't even want to have the freakin party...so I aint sendin em ahahaha oh burn.

Its gonna be all debutont and all that shit but I can't even spell the word...gah.

I should fail just to spite them...mwuahahaha.

But my choir trip is on the 21-25 and thats always fun...except for the motion sickness...actually even thats awesome cause I always end up sittin next to katie...who is unbelievable squeemish, it has become a mission for me to create a chain of vomiting while using lines such as "it taste better the second time around" "wow so this is what they mean by ya don't own it ya rent it" "how the hell did I get THAT color" and my personal fave "burnin calories on baggie at a time"

cake!

2006-05-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

well last night marc and I made the cake. now I'm just waiting to go so we can surprise tristan :D
It won't be a very long party maybe only 2 hours because most of us have a choir trip to go on. But it was the only time everyone had free time...besides me...who never has anything to do...no life ya know lol. The cake doesent look to bad and with the rest of the batter I was able to make a mothers day cake for my gran who's coming down on Monday to help get my accesories for prom.
She just haaaad to come the one day I'm gonna be most stressed -.-
Ya see in entreprneurship (spelt wrong cause its hard so we'll just call it ENT) I have to run my own buisness with a group of three, we had to vote someone prez (me) and they handle and take responsibilitie for everything. We're selling raffle tickets to win an mp3...I went insane puttin up the posters lol.
I won't even be there for the last couple days of selling!!! GAH! I hate that but I have to go on yet another choir trip and if I don't our teacher ms. huckafuck will kick me out cause she's a whore. Even if I wasent able to afford it (which I can but still) gosh I hate that huckabitch.

How many people can say that?

2006-05-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

Alright, I am probably the only person in the world who can use this to get out of assignments.
"My dads stressed out cause my mom died when I was eight and cause my sister moved out in a huff leaving nothing but a note, forcing my father to take narcotics. and of course knowing him he had to take WAAAY to many and ended up staring at his fingers for a day and a half while on the other hand my only friend is taking psychotics to cure her lesbianism."

I should so not be amused...but I am

secret

2006-05-08T07:43:00.000-07:00

ssshhhh this is a surprise, so no telling!
Tristans birthday is coming up and I feel really bad for him cause no one ever knows that date as his birthday but rather as the day we were told alex died.
SO I'm draggin Marcia over here and we're gonna bake him a cake! IN THE SHAPE OF A PSP! Yes I know PSP's suck balls but he loved em for some strange reason.
Its gonna have the buttons and everything!
Boohya! Hmmm maybe I'll get marc to pick up some baloons to...lol

The end is near.

2006-05-06T12:33:00.000-07:00

I can't believe highschool is almost over. In two months I'll be packing up for a better tomarrow.
I spent the shortest educational career at highschool but somehow it seems more important.
I've learned allot...well not on what I should have but rather on how to take one goal at a time. Even if I fail a million and ten times I know that I have to get up and try again...and believe me when I say that I know allot of getting up and trying again. ^.^; I'm sure gonna miss it though...even all the bad times and there were quiete a few of them...

Hello

2006-05-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

I do not believe that I have been doing this blog justice. Not like I used to anyways...No worries I'm gonna try my best to keep it up, however it won't be nearly as interesting now that I am no longer an angsty teen bent against the world.
I believe...or rather I hope that I have grown into a ready, if not frazzled young lady.
My writings may not be as full of emotion or description edger alan poe would be proud of but I will do my best to keep you entertained. :D

jedi name

2006-05-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

Cast off your old name! Your Jedi name is

LEAAY STABB of the planet zoloft!

Find your Jedi Name!

A letter

2006-04-17T14:45:00.000-07:00

This is a letter I sent to my friend when she asked how everything was. I thought it might shed somelight onto my current situations and perhaps help all of you out there why I have not been venting quite as much as I used to

"well so far I have been quite cunning when it comes to this so-called dress extravaganza. I have dodged EVERY oppotunity that has presented itself with flare! Of course the last time my sister and I went it was of pure grace of the gods that the store happend to be closed on that exact date.
And also that my sister had to work the day dad wanted to go. (FOILED MWUAHAHAHA)
However my fave grandparents of all time are coming TODAY and I just only got home from kamloops. Hopefully I will be graced by another painting lesson from my adoptive grandma ^.^
Anyways the war at home is still raging and as my sister plans her flight of escape to sir matts she is finding that her attempts to secretly move out and never look back are being thwarted by fate.
Unfortunately she was not given the amazing gift of tuning my fathers tempered words from her mind and is slowly literally going insane.
As they both become more depressed and exiled from the world I am truley the only sane one left.
Finding comfort in clouds and shiny things I remain unaffected by all of this turmoil ^.^

Hope your easter was "Swell" "

quizzzzzz

2006-04-06T19:02:00.000-07:00

(results contain pictures) What type of bitch are you?

TRUE BITCHYou have great balance and know when it is a good time to bitch and when not to. You get the respect you deserve and you know it! You don't over-do the bitchyness. Go you!
Take this quiz!

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grah

2006-04-05T06:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry I havent been posting much...I'll explain later.

Which path?

2006-03-03T20:48:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been wondering what my mom wanted for me. One of the things I remember about her was that everything she did had meaning, and I have tried to live by that path aswell. She once told me that she named me "Aymee" because she dident want me to be like every other "Amy". She wanted me to stand out and be individual. She believed that a name gave many aspects of a persons personality.
However, what she dident tell me was how to do this. All I want is to be what she wanted me to be.
So far I'm not very proud of myself. I'm spiralling down a road that I don't want but I feel is my only option. Everything I do is not what I want and yet its all I can do...

Fatherly Hatred

2006-03-02T17:58:00.000-08:00

He's driving me insane and I may be forced to drive him....right off a cliff.
After years and years of begging him to take me to the optomitrist he finally has. After discovering that I have a stigmatism he flips at me and tells me what a bitch I am for doing this to him blah blah blah. Then when he finds out he needs glasses AGAIN....my fault....god I hate him.

:'(

2006-03-01T06:42:00.000-08:00

GOD remember jeff from the bus? annoying gay guy? WELL he's bullying Trudy! (the cutest nicest person in the world) and she won't come on my bus anymore cause he's there :'(.
Today I'm gonna grab Trudy and tell Jeff to fuck off. But I don't know itf she'll come on the bus again

pastie

2006-02-14T13:08:00.000-08:00

sorry had to try this new thing from DA

well I'm off...

2006-02-06T07:40:00.000-08:00

lets talk about school....Off to my semester 1 exam. Communications! I was taking english but my teacher wanted me to switch to the other exam cause...well.....cause I'm stupid ahahaha. At least I got a high mark on the practise. 5/6 which is REALLY good. They rate essays differently in gr. 12 its really queer. its on a scale chart from 0-6....0 meaning you wrote an umcomplete sentence and thats it. and 6 being you went above and beyond the call of duty. Right length, large words, no repetition, all the types of sentenses and paragraphs, personification, examples and all that shit.

well....wish me luck.

Bull Shit

2006-01-27T15:16:00.000-08:00

Today at school there was an announcement that some kid died accidentally during rugby practice. I was really sympathetic until that is all the crap happened.
Apparently this sam kid has a heart condition which to me is not as terrrible as a suicide however I was the only one who thought this.
There was a huge memorial and a prayer group and media attention from miles around, the reporters got so bad that they had to ban us from going outside and talking to them.
Why should a death do to health implications be so much more important then a child suffering so bad that they have to take there own life? Alex was a ten times better kid then this sam character as I know for a fact he was also hated by a rather alarming large group of people.
Not only this but a jackass kid named mat gillbert was mocking alex. I mean GOD how much of a jackass can one kid be? I wish HE would die and I surely would not think twice about mourning.

So....GAAAAH

2006-01-22T00:13:00.000-08:00

You know that terrible feeling you get when you have a million things to do all of which will descide whether or not your a bum on the street or your a sucessful buisness person? And you know that even if you do end up being sucessful you know you will spend you days stuck in the same ruitine of going to work, coming home to your appartment, watch t.v and go to bed.
Its like a mixture of guilt, stress and hoplessness.

quiz

2006-01-20T16:49:00.000-08:00

What is your perfect love match? (Boys and Girls.) With PICS in results!
brought to you by Quizilla

OMG SO TRUE IT SCARES ME fer serious....

2006-01-20T16:31:00.000-08:00

Archer took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Needs a way of escape from all that oppresses her ..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2006-01-16T20:10:00.000-08:00

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ACID TRIP. wow have you ever done that? like take 10 gravol and then your all like WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. no, no I'm not doin that now although I would....so much awesome sweetness. However I have opened up the stream of natural morphines within my bloodsystems and now I am all WOOOOOOOOOOO and listening to tom greens bumbum song AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

fate

2006-01-15T19:17:00.000-08:00

People often ask me why I don't date. Well many of you know that some of my beliefs are based from the religion buddist, you know things are meant to happen etc.
In other words fate.
Well then if I just start dating how am I to know that I am not cheating? Because if I was meant to be with someone then to me I am property that they own.
CHEATING IS WRONG. lol.

Answering Machine....

2006-01-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

Aymee's comitting suicide leave a message at the beep and she'll get back to you as soon as she can........
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

o0o misguided confrontation!

2006-01-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

Okay sorry I havent been on in awhile but I've been actually happy until my friends descided that was no good. So I am now back to my state of numb.
They accused me of turning into Marcia (-WAVES-) vindictive, moody etc etc etc. Saying I've been a real bitch lately. I swear I nearly burst out laughing seriously. I had to stare at the white board all class to keep myself from giggling madly.
Well Heres where it all started really. WAY back at the beginning of gr. 11. Everyone abandoned me, stuck with the gr. 9's. To go off on there own selfish adventures, snubbing me in the hall all year (except marcia) so slowly I began to detach any responsibility's from the jackass's (usually a money giving till I have no lunch type of person).
So at the beginning of the gr. 12 year I tried to get back in with everyone tearing myself appart as you have already most likely read. Brittany in particular was just a complete whore from 1497. She dident wanna hang out with her X-GF (Marcia) complaining and pulling hissy fits saying that she dident like who she was when she was with her. But of course by now I was very much missing the nice kind hearted brit that WAS dating marcia. She never stopped talking about herself so eventually she began doing up to the shrink during class and I ran! RAN LIKE THE BLOODY WIND! To hang in the room next door with Marcia, Jordan and faith happy amusing people. I couldent take her anymore she was driving me up the wall.
Well nothings perfect and a girl named heather came to join us but of course Aymee sucks so I end up with paint in my eye and heather ends up with my grudgness that Aaron has been suffering himself since gr. 7.
Just recently Marcia's sister Monica has been trying to get me to dig up dirt on what Marcia has been saying behind her back which of course is nothing I mean would we really wanna start contaminating our conversations?
Of course I wouldent do it. Marcia after all is the only person who has stayed my friend through and through the entire time.
Anyways I've blown up on brittany a couple of times this year 1) For accusing me of starting nasty rumors about heather which I did not of course but now BECAUSE of her stupidity I push it forward burn.
and 2) because she did a stupid thing in choir and got me in shit.
Also I beat up my highschool bully with a stool.
I am trying my hardest to prepare for college and all I have to say is grow up people and deal with your own stupidity and if it still appears like I'm turning into Marcia I would rather be her then your fat ass's.

Memories

2005-12-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

I found the old c.d. You know the one. The one you listened to through the worst and the best times of your teenage life the one that filled you with joy but also helped you through your sorrow.
Listening to it is strange, it feels like a rollercoaster I've been on a million times and when I went back for a million and one I find its shut down and although I've tired of it I wish I could just go back for one last ride.
It was a time in my life when I had believed in friendship and it guided me through everything I did. Things were calm but exciting I wasent afraid of anything. There were many conflicts but in the end it still tasted sweet. Its to bad things ended the way they did. Leaving me alone, broken and friendless.
I was so happy I cried because of it.
Fuzzy and sparkly were cool.....I lived more in my imagination then any other time in my life. Now I have one foot in and the other out. I am unable to feel any joy only emptyness and scatter brained remain.
I could write better then anything then....because I could feel the words. Now....theres nothing. I don't feel like myself anymore....I feel like nothing...But I'm not depressed....that would at least be something...I wish I could change everything.....

Truley Sad

2005-11-28T20:53:00.000-08:00

Well I had another one of my auditions today in vancouver. Hate it. lol.
All it does is remind me of how pushy my family is. They want me to perform on stage but all I wanna do is perform in choir. Which is not gonna happen.
Its truley sad that all the ambitions I had for highschool shall never be accomplished. I guess I just don't have it in me. Makes me very very sad.

Why must everyone but me be stupid?

2005-11-21T18:44:00.000-08:00

Well I've descided to fail highschool, skip college move to colorado where I shall waitress, bitch and whore. Yes that is my future in a nutshell.
What else is there when gr. 12's have to figure out everything on our own!? Theres no Capp or homeroom classes anymore and they don't even announce grad crap on the P.A anymore cause its not worth there freakin time! I swear if mo hadent wandered into the councilling center the other day and found that grad picture sign up sheet then I would have no idea. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD not only do I have the pressure of passing my classes making sure I have at least three provincial exams not to mention pass them all!!! BUT I also have to find out when to start my job experience myself, grad pictures, fill up my portfolio, fill out my application AND study for my college english entry exam!!!!!!!!!! Well I did finish my application no thanks to the councillors who said it wasent there job to help me OR (and this is the kicker) worry about my problems!!!!! COUNCILLORS ARE SUPPOSED TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS ITS WHAT THEY DOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Oh yes did I mention that ALL gr. 12 students must get an A in english or take an AA English in college? Which is exaclty the same as gr. 12 english but with a different name and if you actually fail gr. 12 english then you have to take college gr.12 and AA....GAAAAH!!!!!

wow

2005-11-16T21:26:00.000-08:00

wow its been over a year since I started on blogger! YAY ME!

I'm alive...I think

2005-11-15T20:31:00.000-08:00

Been so busy lately! Ignoring the people in my life whom are to self centered for me to deal with...actually thats only nicole, OH BURN! Yes she has officially been placed in the 'troll' catagory.
Its so very upsetting with her trying to take credit for the book that I was writing so I stopped writing from the pressure of it and now I can't pick it back up. Dad and I can't come to a solution sooooo thats that I suppose. I keep trying to write in it but everytime I pick the thing up it feels as if someone had just punched me in the stomach.
Things havent been great but for once going to my grandparents and locking myself away helped.

MARCIA GOT ME THE BARBRA STREISAND C.D OF MY DREAMS! And in the same day I got an inu-yasha action figure and a spongebob pencil!!!! wow lucky me! lol ^.^

I've started a brand new project. I havent done one of my undercover things for the longest time...hey I might even post my progress here! If I remember lol.
I have an accomplice! Marcia who's code name shall be..... Faithless and I shall be Pantsless...not literally LOL.

Anyway this is my current 'study/experiment' I want to know what exactly sets of men. Is flirting just something they are built to do or do they know there doing it? Also this helps me out quite a bit because according to 'faithless' I get hit on on a daily basis and I'm so dense that I don't exaclty ntoice...especially when its the girls!??? 0.o

This is a topic that greatly fasinates me...after all as human beings we need to study all strange creatures right? ;)

evil

2005-11-03T18:57:00.000-08:00

I ate meat by mistake...now I feel dirty....

Halloween

2005-10-31T21:40:00.000-08:00

Ah....the holyest time of year -sigh- and I went out...I trick or treated....I'm speSHial....
My friends rule. I have been having the worst month of my life and I don't know why! But I suspect that its because I have been skipping class to an extreme....and my consience can't take that kind of repressed feelings....SO I would go to class but Marcia never wants to and then I'm stuck with Jackie...I like Jackie but she's a work-aholic and it drives me batty!!!!
lol w00t I got outside...AH FRESH AIR BUUURNS!!!

Friendships broken

2005-10-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

I hate this! I hate it so much that it hurts! This was supposed to be the year everyone realized that they would never see each other again and they came back together like the good ole days. Not seperate completely and shun each other...why do none of them care? I can't stop crying.

...I wanna die...Its our last year and we're all gonna leave hating each other

Welcome back sorrow!

2005-10-24T17:59:00.000-07:00

Well the two week long teacher strike is over and I finally had to go to school...although it did make an excellent birthday weekend seeing as how my b-day was on the 6th and the strike started on the 7th MWUAHA.

Today was one of the worst days I've ever had! Its very rare for me to have a day I could whole heartedly call bad, however today was one. Everything just seemed to go wrong and people were outragiously uncivil. My choir teacher is a complete whore! Freakin biotch makin me all depressed again....-dies-.

The only good thing was the awesome grade I got on my story thing from mr. chan the chinese nazi! I got better than jacky...who is a school nerd....she was very agitated to say the least.
Its gonna take a few days to push this feeling my choir teacher ms. huckaby seems to have implanted into my soul....by the time its started to fade I'll have choir again -.-

Ouch

2005-10-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

Candy Cigarettes

You're a total badass, but you don't taste very good.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

o0oo0o spazzy

2005-10-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

It just goes to show how random and strange people can be....which is probably why I don't like em.
I was talking to andy on msn who desperately and pathetically wants to see me but...well everyone knows about my 'leaving the house' issues so I turned him down and tryed to change the subject but of course he pursued it until he cracked under his own pressure of stupidity.
heres his last message:

look i am going to be frank with you if you want to hang some time(i wont make you feel weird, i swear) then call me but untill then i have better things to do then sit here and fight with you so i can see a friend. if you dont want to see me then just say so, and if i am not your friend anymore either then again, let me know but dont make run in circals for nothing. good night

Then he either blocked me or signed out.
Wow usually things like this bother me but cause its andy (and I've known him forever) I don't care cause I know he's having his male pms cycle! ^^ lol.

Birthday

2005-10-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Well today was my birthday.
All week I aganized over it expecting the worse and beating myself up for having the shitiest 'sweet' 16th year I could possibly could have mustered.
All night long I would tear myself apart over the the stupidity of the birthday tradition. It really is just a copy of christmas ya know, christ's birthday.
Its a thing thats celebrated more for the family then the person and after the cake is done and wrappings are left upon the floor the only one who still cares is the birthday person.

This birthday was a desent one. Unfortuantely this year I wanted nothing to do with it. While last year I wanted everything to do with it and I got nothing. Irony.
My sister got me absolutely perfect presents, its a sad thought but she really is my best friend.
She got me a really expensive necklace from 'Metal Works' and a camo shirt from the college I applied to! CAMOOOOO!
^^ All night long we've been quoting gilmore girls and mocking dads obsession with his pickle fork.
She makes things better.

DAD GOT ME A SUSHI SET! It has chop sticks and plates and bowls and wooden place mats! So spiffy! And he got me my beloved soy sauce! yay kiko man!
He also bought me Zoo tycoon but he has to pick it up from where he ordered it cause he dident get off work early enough to get it.
Oh and a note to brit....he got me a watch....a non-digi watch....soooooo I have to learn to read it -.- HELP.

Although CHOCOLATE EVERYWHEEEEEERE! triple fudge explosion b-day cake -drewl- Purdies chocolates and hershey bananza!
And lotso socks....yup I have a lack of socks....dad likes mine cause there soft and I think he keeps taken em....creepy...

We're all Naive

2005-09-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

I am being forced to search my college booklet frantically trying to figure what to major in because my school only told us that our applications were due 3 days before it had to be in! it due tomarrow and I still have to get it stamped by the post office and finish filling it in -.-;;
This has to be one of the highest suicide rated times of the year right next to christmas and peoples 40th birthday.
Why must everything require you to be an awesome genious in math!? Its one of the hardest subjects every made for most people! How do they expect us to fullfill those kinds of requirements?
You look on the internet for information about majors and they all sound as if they want someone completely perfect and suited to everything that is required! GRA!
It should just be enough that I actually want to be a historian! A job not offten sought out by people my age because its well...boring.
But if the only thing I'm decent at is boring then boring it must be.
Remember the old days back in elementary school when you knew what you wanted to be? Like a marine biologist and you were positive that it was the best career suited to you? How naive.
And then ya grow up and ya think back on how much you wanted to be and still would kill to be a marine biologist except science and you don't mix...AT ALL.
-sigh- I'm pickin the easiest thing...its just to stressful now to really care...

Aymee's Theorie of Evolution

2005-09-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

I was watching a documenturey on dragons ont.v and it helped allot with one of my many gaul-bladder theories.
The gaul-bladder in case you dident know is the one organ in our bodies we do not use. No one knows what it was every used for but somewhere along the evolution track we lost the need to use it.
Our gaul bladders having a special lubricant on its inner walls that is not found anywhere else in our systems, this lubricant allows our gaul bladder to store platinum.
I have known this for quite a while now and it brought around my theorie that humans did not evolve from apes but from dragons explaining the tail bone etc.
In case you dident know natural gases and platinum = fire thus there being fire breathing dragons etc.
However everything makes sense except the gas part until I saw this documentary.
It seems that there are certain stomach bacteria's that are used for creatures for eat raw decaying meat that create such gases. However we do not have these bacteria, but what I think is that if our gaul bladders can stop working without us dying then why can't these bacteria die out once we stopped eating raw meats?

What about knights in shining armor who have been known to run off through history to slay these beasts, you ask? Well as you well know people are very virsital creatures and we can adapt to climates all over the world. But living in such different area's we have different traits, we eveolved differently...so some must of had to evolved slower then others.
And being the adventurous species we are its most likely that upon seeing these dragons our ancestors (already evolved and kickin) brought them along on boats while on an exploratory mission. Perhaps they were smaller when they first found them? and they thrived within the climates they were brought into? I don't know, but its a spiffin theory.

The Future

2005-09-22T22:46:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of my little gr. 10's. They completely made my weekend by sitting down at lunch with me and the rest and having an adult conversation. Now for teenagers convo's like that don't come along very often so it was complete bliss for me. My friend hunter (aka bambi) was to ill after drinking contaminated water to make perverted jokes, which always get on my nerves. He actually acted serious. I am so proud. After all these people are the future after us and the more experience in different area's of conversation they get the easier it will be for them, at least thats why I hang around with the idiots.
^.^
Hunter should get sick more often. lol. j/k of course.

I suppose your wondering what we talked about? well tactually they were things boys there age...and mine for that matter...usual giggle at...my friend jenn was for some reason talking about breast cancer....I dident hear the whole beginning of it cause as usual adam was making his head comfortable in my lap. lol.
Anyways we talked about immune systems and what we believe ourselves to be on a spiritual level and emotional level. I being a very large activist found myself pushing my non-pollution views every which way ^.^
...how I long for a bike...lol...
Completely made my week...and to top it all off...teacher strike gives me a 4 day weekend. w00t.
I feel absolutely content and I do believe I have discovered my dating standards (another thing we also talked about).
I feel so good where I stand on a personal level!...even if it is most likely only for tonight....I'm gonna enjoy it!

Ska-Wee? 0.0

2005-09-19T17:47:00.000-07:00

Talkin to craig about hot guys and we were rating em...so I went to find some hot pictures of johnney depp...and well...very amusing...

Just When...

2005-09-19T17:17:00.000-07:00

Just when I made my big announcement that I'm gonna leave my house...which I never do being agoraphobic....slightly....No one wants me to go anywhere with them...I have been shunned...-sigh-....I would go back to my art room but it has been taken over by...preppy whores.....
Once again my peers are in one pit and I am in another seperate one all alone. While they help each other thrive and succeed I sit in the muddy shallows of my pool of misery and try not to watch...even though I know I have to...

Sucks

2005-09-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

Growing up sucks.
Right when you have defined yourself as a person and you know and are happy with who you are...you go on and change. Suddenly everything you know and love about yourself is gone and you feel like you have abandoned yourself in a barren wasteland of hopelessness and despare. Trying vainly to find yourself yet again.
Its not enough that the minute we enter highschool we're forced into conforming into something authority figures can take control of by threatening and pushing us around but also we must fit into our own little clicks that are just like ourselves EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE YET. Which leads to frustration and the end of friendships JOY.
Thats always a barrel of laughs and happyness.
Anyways back to the point shall we?...I am very angry and frustrated because everything I used to love doing means nothing to me now! Now what do I have? Homework...I have homework....dammit the school system has reformed me...
It feels like theres nothing I can do about it. I barely even want to blog anymore! -le gasp-.
so very empty...and I have no one to talk to about it because once again my pain comes out in random spurts of joy and various fears...

One is the lonliest number...

2005-09-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

So lonely. Don't why...everyones there but there not...
It seems my strange way of showing my emotion just keeps getting worse. The more unhappy I am the more happy I act...probably to try and make myself happy...I don't know...

Down Jeff! DOOOWN

2005-09-13T15:14:00.000-07:00

Oooooookay! So I have learned that jeff is bisexual, nothing wrong with that! But he's also racist yelling at all the east indians who drive by. O0o0o0o0o dear...a little creepy also...but I've only known him a day and people can grow on you right?

Hello Jeff

2005-09-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

0.0 wow! Someone talked to me. Not like when I trip or run into a wall and they ask if I'm okay. He actaully randomly came up to me and spoke words!
He's gonna be my new bus buddy! He's a grade 9 learning center student ^^ so much like me when I was young.
Anyways he sounds perfect for the group so I gave him directions for our corridor. He's such a sweetie and I warned him about Bambi's wandering hands and perverted tendancies.
This is like the first time in years anyone has actaully come up to talk to me...and ya know what? I actually knew what to say! I impressed myself! I used to stumble and hide behind brittany when someone talked to me. Goodbye social anxiety?
Anyways his name is jeff and I really hope he starts hangin with us.