yes i'm still here
I may not be consistent with my journaling but at least I do update every once in awhile.
I'm more serious with school now and doing well academically.
and surprisingly enough....socially 0-0 I've been going out to hang with mo, marcia, dan and benjilly almost every weekend :D I <3 them bunches.
Grandpa George died on 09/11/08. I didn't cry at all until later that night...then I cried until my eyes ached and beyond. I still can't beleieve he's gone and I stupidly chose to spend my canada day weekend with the kamloops grands instead because Fred was "worse off with his cancer" and now he's strutting around with his whiskey glass, happy as can be. Meanwhile Grandma JennyBelle is a wreck and honestly...so am I.
I havent seen grandpa george in over a year and now I never will. I'm crying just typing this lol. I don't think i can ever walk into a dairy queen where he used to treat us every year.
I WASN'T EVEN INVITED TO THE FUNERAL. Thats how inept I am at keeping family connections strong. Worse part is that my sisters idiot boyfriend matt got to spend a month with that side of the family last year while I didnt and he's not even related to him! Okay so I'm not technically either (moms adopted father) but still it hurts...allot...
Same thing happend with gimma...I love that side of the family so much but because there not related to dad I never get to see them.
I feel more intouch with them then anyone and we're not even blood. Thats why I wear gimma's necklace all the time.
God it hurts.
In other news I gave up on computer art, anime and aymee-topia. I had to make the choice and I chose painting. I don't want to give up on painting. because if I did, thats it, no identity...nothing left in me. I'm taking away my reference crutch and trying to develope an essence but its hard...just to get started...so hard.
and emotionally tiring...like i've mentioned before...I hate everything i do and it makes me cry lol.
I'M ALMOST 20 AND STILL JOBLESS. Everyone makes promises and brakes them, saying they'll help me out then they don't. Alone I can't do it, with help I can't do it...whats left? God knows I've tried. So hard...so very very very hard.
Dad did come threw once though...he got his boss (big donator/artist guy) to sponsor me towards a career at the new art gallery. I did everything asked of me...but guess who sorts threw the companies resumes for his boss? DAD. AND WE ALL KNOW HOW RELIABLE HE CAN BE.
It opened today and dad (who had three months) never even looked at my resume.
Now the place is packed with artists ten times more qualified then I am applying for positions for experience and I have no chance.
On top of that...I'm running out of cash...dad won't support me anymore especially now that i'm almost 20...and i'm not about to ask...he;s not reliable enough. and i'm probably too proud. I dunno.
I'm more serious with school now and doing well academically.
and surprisingly enough....socially 0-0 I've been going out to hang with mo, marcia, dan and benjilly almost every weekend :D I <3 them bunches.
Grandpa George died on 09/11/08. I didn't cry at all until later that night...then I cried until my eyes ached and beyond. I still can't beleieve he's gone and I stupidly chose to spend my canada day weekend with the kamloops grands instead because Fred was "worse off with his cancer" and now he's strutting around with his whiskey glass, happy as can be. Meanwhile Grandma JennyBelle is a wreck and honestly...so am I.
I havent seen grandpa george in over a year and now I never will. I'm crying just typing this lol. I don't think i can ever walk into a dairy queen where he used to treat us every year.
I WASN'T EVEN INVITED TO THE FUNERAL. Thats how inept I am at keeping family connections strong. Worse part is that my sisters idiot boyfriend matt got to spend a month with that side of the family last year while I didnt and he's not even related to him! Okay so I'm not technically either (moms adopted father) but still it hurts...allot...
Same thing happend with gimma...I love that side of the family so much but because there not related to dad I never get to see them.
I feel more intouch with them then anyone and we're not even blood. Thats why I wear gimma's necklace all the time.
God it hurts.
In other news I gave up on computer art, anime and aymee-topia. I had to make the choice and I chose painting. I don't want to give up on painting. because if I did, thats it, no identity...nothing left in me. I'm taking away my reference crutch and trying to develope an essence but its hard...just to get started...so hard.
and emotionally tiring...like i've mentioned before...I hate everything i do and it makes me cry lol.
I'M ALMOST 20 AND STILL JOBLESS. Everyone makes promises and brakes them, saying they'll help me out then they don't. Alone I can't do it, with help I can't do it...whats left? God knows I've tried. So hard...so very very very hard.
Dad did come threw once though...he got his boss (big donator/artist guy) to sponsor me towards a career at the new art gallery. I did everything asked of me...but guess who sorts threw the companies resumes for his boss? DAD. AND WE ALL KNOW HOW RELIABLE HE CAN BE.
It opened today and dad (who had three months) never even looked at my resume.
Now the place is packed with artists ten times more qualified then I am applying for positions for experience and I have no chance.
On top of that...I'm running out of cash...dad won't support me anymore especially now that i'm almost 20...and i'm not about to ask...he;s not reliable enough. and i'm probably too proud. I dunno.
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