Just...everything...

New Year update!

2009-01-11T02:56:00.003-08:00

okay so I am now 20
FINALLY after three years (all of which you can read in this blog) I have chosen a degree program, kinda went in a circle and ended up back with art in the bachelor of fine arts program. Go figure.

On 9/11/08 my grandpa George Carter passed away do to complications with his blood problem. I couldnt cry until two days later, on the weekday when dad was at work. I cryed until vessels burst in my eyes...after trying so hard not to. Poor grandma Jenny Belle...

I don't know if I mentioned it previously but Pickles had some weird seizure this year, a couple in fact. But i was only around for the first and it scared the shit out of me. And made me realize how presciously fragile she is....my mama kitty.

I started writing a journal. A real one not just this blog haha.
About my life as an art student, its for when I'm old and bored. I dunno i thought it would be a neat thing to have.

ttyl

[edit] yes i noticed i repeated a few details, oh well. sorry lol

Art Gallery

2008-09-23T20:31:00.002-07:00

DAD TOOK ME TO THE GALLERY :D

wouldn't let me bring my resume though. I can see his point, he's gonna give it to my sponsor hank to give to the people instead.
But maaaaaaan it was cool.

I hope I do get to work there....or anywhere really...
But just the fact that dad actually pulled threw and did what he said he would. Thats special.

SOOO no friendship rings lol. the only ones i could find were lame. and I wanted mood rings D:<

I got my first assignment back in class...A LOW C....this is bad...if the rest of the semester turns out the same i'm screwed. I need AT LEAST a B to get into my program...which reminds me...I have my first meeting with an arts councillor tomarrow...
I hope their not mean....I have a long list of bad experiences with councillors in that way.
*breathes deep*

Random Revelation

2008-09-22T23:57:00.002-07:00

I MISS GROUP PAINTING.
Maybe thats it, since i've gradded me creativity has gone a little haywire.
I especially miss painting with my best fweeend Marcia :D there was this one painting with handprints we did together that was fun ^^.
Since we hang out so often I think i'll randomly get her to paint something with me.
I seriously owe allot to all my friends since I gradded. I've over come allot of fill and paranoia distilled deep into my soul by my over protected father.

WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO....and we've been to the beeeeeach and BURGER KING FOR NEOPETS TOYS...aaaaaaand randomly hung out in various places :D and halloween is coming up huzzuh!

I think i'll get us all group rings...LIKE THE WONDER TWINS....and one for that random kid Tony :D why not? oh right...I'm broke....crap.

yes i'm still here

2008-09-22T23:27:00.002-07:00

I may not be consistent with my journaling but at least I do update every once in awhile.
I'm more serious with school now and doing well academically.

and surprisingly enough....socially 0-0 I've been going out to hang with mo, marcia, dan and benjilly almost every weekend :D I <3 them bunches.

Grandpa George died on 09/11/08. I didn't cry at all until later that night...then I cried until my eyes ached and beyond. I still can't beleieve he's gone and I stupidly chose to spend my canada day weekend with the kamloops grands instead because Fred was "worse off with his cancer" and now he's strutting around with his whiskey glass, happy as can be. Meanwhile Grandma JennyBelle is a wreck and honestly...so am I.
I havent seen grandpa george in over a year and now I never will. I'm crying just typing this lol. I don't think i can ever walk into a dairy queen where he used to treat us every year.
I WASN'T EVEN INVITED TO THE FUNERAL. Thats how inept I am at keeping family connections strong. Worse part is that my sisters idiot boyfriend matt got to spend a month with that side of the family last year while I didnt and he's not even related to him! Okay so I'm not technically either (moms adopted father) but still it hurts...allot...
Same thing happend with gimma...I love that side of the family so much but because there not related to dad I never get to see them.
I feel more intouch with them then anyone and we're not even blood. Thats why I wear gimma's necklace all the time.
God it hurts.

In other news I gave up on computer art, anime and aymee-topia. I had to make the choice and I chose painting. I don't want to give up on painting. because if I did, thats it, no identity...nothing left in me. I'm taking away my reference crutch and trying to develope an essence but its hard...just to get started...so hard.
and emotionally tiring...like i've mentioned before...I hate everything i do and it makes me cry lol.

I'M ALMOST 20 AND STILL JOBLESS. Everyone makes promises and brakes them, saying they'll help me out then they don't. Alone I can't do it, with help I can't do it...whats left? God knows I've tried. So hard...so very very very hard.
Dad did come threw once though...he got his boss (big donator/artist guy) to sponsor me towards a career at the new art gallery. I did everything asked of me...but guess who sorts threw the companies resumes for his boss? DAD. AND WE ALL KNOW HOW RELIABLE HE CAN BE.
It opened today and dad (who had three months) never even looked at my resume.
Now the place is packed with artists ten times more qualified then I am applying for positions for experience and I have no chance.
On top of that...I'm running out of cash...dad won't support me anymore especially now that i'm almost 20...and i'm not about to ask...he;s not reliable enough. and i'm probably too proud. I dunno.

Life life life

2008-03-16T23:03:00.003-07:00

Work work work out everyday for 30 minutes till you dread waking up in the morning and the movements are so automatic you begin to wonder if they are doing any good at all
Lose lose lose those pounds and shed the hate you feel for your flab until theirs nothing left but all the bad.
Find find find a job, told not to settle for less but no one will hire you when you try for the best.
Die die die a little more inside slowly tormenting yourself, spending your days alone in the house unable to afford to grocery shop.
Help help help your dad with his renovation plans, trying to make yourself feel better and earn your keep around the house.
Dream dream dream of nothing. Dreams once so easy to fly on, adventures and heroics galore, gone within your misery.

Oi. Yes life is grand isent it?
I'm finally commited to getting a job thats something good...but even in the middle of thise job high...no one wants me ;.;
and i've commited myself to college as well. Associates of Arts degree so I can get my bachelors...good thing I graduated early or I would be farther behind then I already am D;

now if only I loved art again.

slow down the world plz

2008-02-12T22:26:00.002-08:00

Life seems to be speeding by so fast! I'm exhausted! Dads descided we're finally gonna remodel the house and guess who ends up doing all the work? me of course. and to top it all off I have to get a THIRD surgery. Other eye this time D:
I hate needles.
Karma owes me BIG.

I'm taking an at home english course which is going well.
And i'm looking for a job :) thats right i think i'm finally ready. It has to be the right job though. or my superstitious nature will slap me around lol.

anyways i'm to tired to talk much just thought i would update :D

chao
Aymee

Myself

2008-01-10T22:32:00.000-08:00

Sorry I havent been here in a bit, I got so caught up in xmas that I just forgot to enter anything here.

As my mission for self improvement and discovery continues, my life seems to continue on the same path it was on when I first started this whole mess.
Thats not to say that nothings been going on. After years of empty promises dad has finally started remodeling the house.
But as anticipated, I'm the one doing all the work. My fingers are all actually bleeding from it and I'm losing my art room.
He's gonna convert it into an office. -sigh-

For someone who loves to be alone all day I sure am becoming lonely.
I don;t really feel like I can rely on anyone I know for comfort with my issues either.
Mostly because I don't know anyone I can be myself around anymore not for quite a few years really but there was always that temporary friend who seemed to pop up out of no where, make my year, then leave.
I scare myself with my eating. I've been dieting for so long now that I'm terrified to stop because if I do I could gain it all back...I don't EVER want to feel that way I did back then...so I keep going.
To compensate for my constant empty heartedness I work.
No not at a job, I don't like people remember? (and yet i'm lonely...huh)
No I do various tasks from sun up to sun down and wake up the next morning in complete muscle agony, so I pop a few tylenol maybe an asperin or two and do it to myself all over again.
I've descided on education goals though. Yay? Its not something I want to do.
I do it because I have no other options, I'm caged theres no where else to go.
My constant day dreaming of something better has become complete torchure.
-sigh- and to top it all off the Wii I was SUPPOSED to get for xmas....was stolen by one of the future shop employees at one of the shipping bays it stopped at from wherever the hell we ordered it from. It was paid for and everything...so we bought some jackass a 200 dollar game machine....-.- and i'm stuck with a harry potter game I can't use without a system.

hey ho lets go.

2007-11-19T16:08:00.001-08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Xmas is near D:
MY POOR WALLET
Just when I was close to 1k in my bank account ;.;
Its a double wammy for me folks, my dads birthday is on thursday and then i got to spend more on xmas presents INCLUDING MATT. Freeloader, this here be mah dough bish! D:<

I got dad a scarf (because he doesent have one which to me is just plain WRONG), scratchcards (from the cat) and beth and I both chipped in to buy him a little one person coffee maker that poors coffee right into a chrome thermis :)
and a can of decafe, even though we both know he drinks regular and just tells everyone he drinks decafe -rolls eyes-

MY HAND, MY POOR POOR HAND!
I've been painting up a strom D: which is both good and bad.
Bad: My hand is perma cramped and they are both dryer then the sahara from washing so many times in a day with dishsoap XP
Good: I'M PAINTING AGAIN 0-0 IN TURBO SPEED....realism....dident even think that was possible XD
I'm doing a great blue heron for my grandpa who loves wildlife and basically taught me to as well.
Burgundy lilys and butterflys for my gran, her fave flower.
And for dad, an album cover from his fave band "Rush" the album is "Fly by Night"
and after that who knows. I'm trying to pace myself.
Might do one for beth....but prob not...I'm gonna paint a pikachu portrait for myself LOL.

I visited my grands and plan to go back after dads bday for xmas shopping because normally I would go closer to xmas and stay till new years but I have a doctors appointment to check on my incision thinger.
Gramps is doing great :) I hear he took his radiation well and is as chipper as ever.

my emac broke D: easy, free fix though. I get it back...TODAY...WITH THE NEW FLASH so I'll be back to my digi art very soon :D

ttyl
<3 Archy

Trickery

2007-10-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

I got to see chelsea, dan, mo and marcia on thursday :D so much fun, marc brought ehr camera....I am so not photogenic ;.; I'm the absolute ugliest thing in existance. I accept that. and so apparently does dan so its all good, i'm not alone.

I tricked dad into buying most of my shopping list today ;D My wonderful hoard of cash is still intact...until tomarrow when I go out to buy me and marc halloween treats :)
I'm gonna make crowny cookies! yay!

I'm slowly beginning to realize that the hate that I hold towards myself may be becoming a bit of a problem.
I don't know why but I just hate myself and everything I do is stupid.
I'll paint something, look at it and just want to break down crying. I can't explain it, same thing when I look in the mirror or get up in the morning.
Well at least I'm trying and actually painting again....and no longer reffering it as the "P" word.

It made me so mad when dan started to talk about my friend page when we were sitting in mcdonalds (I shamelessly gorged...my poor diet)
Page is a really awesome artist and even though the guy i a complete jackass i've always respected him at least a little bit for his talent.
But apparently he doesent even like what he does, he does it because he knows he's good and can get a free ride. He has a job doing it and everything. Something until this conversation I had no idea that I would commit murder to be able to do for a living.

I think it must have showed on my face cause everyone gave me a funny look.

anyways I have to go off and hate my art some more.
ttyl
Archy

I love money :)

2007-10-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

the money counter i got for my birthday is coming into good use :D
I've rolled up to 50 dollars so far ;D
I love money...always have...i remember when i was three and opened a store in front of my room using boxes as a counter and selling random drawings a mice...good times.
I'm getting a little...well...greedy but also miffed.
I do the shopping for the household now along with my other chores which get harder to do cause dad seems to be reverting into caveman form.
but thats not why i'm miffed. ITS MONEY. I have to pay for everything he uses D:< I can't afford art supplies!
-miffed miffed- and as I said...I LOOOOVE money...no...seriously...i REALLY do. If i'm upset I calm down by counting my bills and rolling my change.
Mom used to call me scrooge mcduck XD

I only bring it up because i'm baking cookies for halloween :D in the shape of CROWNY (a character of mine) and i need to buy sugar XD

YAY HALLOWEEN! I'M GOING ALL OUT THIS YEAR! Its been a dream of mine to have an awesomely decorated house...but since its all coming from my wallet...i'm settling for some styrofoam cups painted to look like pumpkins and hung from out tree by thread XD but still...yay! I also found my sisters old witch dress...from her fat years...so...i had to take it in...ALLOT. I also had to make my own necklace for my costume since i can't afford the plastic jewlery from the dollar store which i dream of.

I'm painting again ^^ hopefully it lasts. My book of ideas is filling fast. i've even gotten into the habit of bringing it to the store with me lol. but no money fro supplies and i'm out of white. ITS 30 DOLLARS FOR A TUBE D:

there was more...but...i forgot...OH WELL....ttyl ;D
Arcy

My Bert and Ernies

2007-10-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

I'm just gonna say it. I MISS MY BOOBS.
I'm in boob denile.
My genes have not been good to me.
All my life I've been bridging on a C sized cup.
Until I started loosing all my baby fat.
I now weigh 128 compared to what I used to weigh which was 151...which apparently is average but hey i needed a change. lawl.
The only thing I ever liked about myself was my chest and lets say that its...dwindled....more then a little D:
although I can now pull shirts on over my head and run like the wind without being slapped in the face...I still miss my boys ;.;
So much so that I refuse to go and find out my new size D:< DENILE!

anyways this is more then you need to know XD
as usual.
ttyl
<3 Aymee :D

Grandpa

2007-10-16T02:22:00.001-07:00

My Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer.
I think before my birthday but they dident tell me till I got back.
Its pretty serious, Prostate cancer.

It hurts so much.
Threw eerything my Grandpa was the only one who was always on my side. Even in the old days before beths betrayal when my family would tell me to my face i was useless and dumb.
He's the one who got me into hiking and history and science. All thing I love.

We're waiting for the doc to tell him when his treatment is.
it may take 6 months at the plce in vancouver but only a day or two in ontario.

I want to go visit him (even though he'll still yell at me for having no ambition with my life lol good natured i assure you)
I feel bad because I had invited Ashley to come over for some theraputic painting for her stress.
I dunno what to do, I want to be a good friend...but...I dunno.

You think I should paint something for grandpa in the meant time? Maybe a blue herring...he loves nature...and fishing...

Best Birthday of my Life

2007-10-16T00:48:00.001-07:00

OKAY!
So my birthday was AAAAAWESOME, HUUUUUGE.
I'll start from the beginning.
we got to Vancouver about 3:00 and checked in at the Sheriden, for some strange reason dad made me wait in the car while he got the room keys for a rather long time...a valai parking guy nearly tried to drive away with me...XD
anyways we find out room on the 18th floor room 1805. My ears totally popped in the elevator, in the hall was a mirror that told you what the weather was. I STARED IN APPRECIATION AT THE THING FOR 30 MINUTES. XD
We get into the suite...and DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN, it had a long halways D: LOOOONG and original art work along it and everything.
there were 2 bed rooms, one that was open and had a queen sized bed...NEXT TO A FREAKING PILLAR and surrounded by windows and in front was the sitting area and t.v (score)
Dad got the seperate closed off room (so nice of him :D) AWESOME BATHROOM...godly...shrine worthy. The tub, don't get me started on the tub...WHICH I DIDENT HAVE TO CLEAN! They have people to do that for you =o
I had descided then and there that I wasent gonna do that thing I do when I worry about everything and everyone but myself and let loose.
It was hard at first.
Then dad and I went shopping...0-0...it made me love shopping...I was never a big fan...but walking down main street...and all the shiny fashions and stores...wow...i felt like such a country hick...and i'm not XD
It was rainy so down the marble tiled sidewalk we trudged, me with my mickey mouse umbrella and wide eyed amazment.
Dad insisted on buying me a coat...and here comes that "thinking of everything but myself thing" again.
I feel uncomfortable when people buy things for me. And when ever I see things that arent on sale D: I can't help it, its instinct.
AND THIS WAS DOWN TOWN...where theres nothing under $49.
we went from store to store looking around (THE HMV HAS 3 STORIES)
After searching through about 5 stores for a "nice spring jacket" (dads words) I finally felt comfortable and loose and let compromised with myself.
I'd let him buy me a jacket, but i would let him pick what he would love to see me in (which is usually the opposite to my usual style, i knew it would be something white)
We found it in roots, I wasent thrilled about it at first cause it REALLY wasent something i would wear. But...when i put it on later that day...I fell in love....the inside is a fancy spiral flower like fleur de whatever thing that I actually really like now and its a white hoodie...SO COMFY but expensive! $98!. Even got a red roots lanyard :D so we would get a discount XD
Anyways we got some chocolate from godiva (5 bucks for a peanut butter cup D:...how dare they not have coconut clusters!)
Then we went into an erbal place and found this tea I LOVE but is really hard to find (called Oolong) then off to chapters where I got the book "Grace O'mally Pirate Queen".
By now I was filled to the brim with happyness all worrys of this being awkward with dad looong gone. I really changed allot since the days when beth lived at home and I has the scorge of the family. I think dad was happy to.
one of my favourate parts was going into the book store. My book was on sale for 4.99 ^^; old dog new tricks right? dads was a little more expensive and very illusive.
Its called "IWozz" the documentary about Steve Wozzniak inventor of the macintosh system.
He was quoting it as soon as he opened the thing XD
We walked along saw a guy selling roasted walnuts from a cart (very new york), went into more stores and stopped to look at the old court house and went to see if the Dali exhibit was in the museum yet (it wasent)
then ran for the nearest dollar store because dad needed one more bag for gift wrapping (which he meant to pick up at chapters) let me pick out my own (green plaid) and then we went back to that wonderful wonderful hotel room. With that amazing queen sized bed that was alllll miiiiiine!
I slipped on my new jacket and we went down to the hotel restaurant called "Indigo"
If there was ever an eatery suited for me...it was there!
COLORS! SO MANY COLORS red, blue, purples...everything...0-0...should have taken pictures.
And it geets better..ROLL! THEY BROUGHT ROLLS!
I havent had any bread since may because of my diet! and GOD it was good...hadent even eaten yet and i was satisfied.
Came with a little dish with butter, vinigar and olive oil to dip and the BEST olive spread in the world..and I hate olives 0-0.
Dad ordered fish and myself being a vegitarean had a caesar salad and the mushroom risotto...I had never had it before but saw it allot on "Hells Kitchen". AMAZING, damn I missed eating carbs XD
Dad tried it to and concurred over its amazingness.
but still....ROLLS....-drewls-
Went back up to the room...stared at the weather mirror some more.
Dad then proceded to take pictures of me everywhere I went in our room. (had to shove him away from the bathroom).
The sun had set and wow lights coming from every window. The city was so pretty and I could lie in bed and stare at it forever :)
Then I found out why dad had taken so long to check us in...ROOM SERVICE.
CAKE!!!
No, not cake....the room service guy came in carrying two silver trays put them on the coffee table and when dad lifted up the fancy lids over the mystery meal I nearly died.
CHOCOLATE SOUFLE' WITH CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM and ice water (which was much needed after all that choco)
It also came with kiwi and strawberrys. I will dream about this dessert for years...god I love kiwi.
The out side was wonderfully crispy and the inside was nothing but a flow of warm home made liquid chocolate which i dipped the kiwi and strawberrys in...AAAAAWRGH. And to top it all off it turns out the desk guy dad had talked to about the cake while he checked in...had given it given it to us for free...AND customised it with the chocolate icecream :D and kiwi.
Then we opened presents :)
This year I dident get random lamps and clocks.
This year was truley a great hall! $150 in all from various relatives (still waiting on some cards) a money counter :D (i like money) from grands F and N. 2 books from beth (memoirs of a geisha and the dictionary encyclopedia of superstitions) and no sugar junior mints and gum AWESOME. 19 scratchcards from matt (won 6 bucks) A Homer and Plopper talking statue (yet to have batterys for no idea what it says) and the new I-pod nano baby blue (whom I named fluffy) From dad <3 <3 <3 on top of all the stuff he had bought me that day ;.; <3 <3 <3 I'm totally not worth it.
Then we turned on the t.v and got an in room movie "Pirates of the caribean 3" which i had been dying to see.
We made some of my tea and sat back till dad couldent wait any longer to read his book and have a bath so I sat enjoying the movie (and my money) alone watching the city lights.

I know this is long and yes there is MUCH more but please bare with me ;D
I had a rather restless night. I was unable to sleep, and I'm a really good sleeper...champion if I may be so bold ;D...I can usually only not sleep when something bads happend. Something had...the worst...but we'll get to that later.
Next morning I got up, and dad had gone down to see if the restaurant was still serving breakfast at 10.
Had the best shower EEEEEEEEEEVER (I want to steal that tub)
Got dressed, put on my jacket (which by now had turned into my baby)
and we went down to the large room where they held the buffet...we descided not to order the buffet instead we had eggs.
THEY HAD A HEALTHY OPTION FOR PEOPLE CONCERNED ABOUT CHOLESTEROL! IT WAS VEGITAREAN (thrill thrill)....-drewls- english muffin....wheeeeeeeat.
We were talking while waiting for our orders...about the buffet...by now it was over and people were leaving (there were a few stragglers but i think we were the last breakfasts to be served that day)
our waiter heard us and thought we wanted to change our order to the buffet (when really to our embarassment we were putting it down for its horrible prices)
Dad made up the excuse that everything was covered and they were most likely done anyways.
The guy began to go on about yes its done but its all going to be thrown out anyways so go ahead and help yourself FOR FREE. So dad not wanting to be impolite and rather thankful to the waiter got up and got me...KIWIS oh glorious kiwis...

sadly after that...it was time to check out...got our stuff together...stopped at the gift store to buy me a bandaid (i got a blister from walking around that HUGE hotel)
then we drove down Chinatown <3 alas we were unable to walk down it like we planned because by now it was raining and I was getting sick (I do every year around my birthday)
but it was pretty so I dident mind to much :)
We made a stop at metro town and went straight to the Sakura anime store :D I WAS SO FLUSTERED. It was heaven I dident know what to buy.
In the end dad (who was confused about the strange creatures from different shows)
bought me a Chobits plush of the sad little bunny who was always "searching for its one and only" ;.; Such an awesome show.

so a while later we got home tired and laden with bags.
an hour later dad was sleeping, exhausted. and myself who's legs were to soar to allow her rest was sitting cataloging on my bed all the things I had recieved and who had given them to me for future reference (I'm weird okay) but unfortunately I never got to finish this task...I soon found out why I couldent sleep that night.
Mo was on the phone.
And she immediately gave it off to my childhood best friend Aaron.
Strange, don't talk to Aaron much I thought, but i was happy to hear his voice none the less.
Unfortunately my ears were horrible stuffed due to my cold so to my embarassement i had a hard time comprehending a few things but in the end I got the jist.
He had gotten into a horrible car accident...on my birthday...damn my birthday curse! (something always goes wrong)
My happyness had slipped away instantly.
He assured me he was fine, although he couldent remember anything.
and he had a punctured lung and broken rib...that set my imagination off of course...imagining a gruesome figure wheezing in a hospital bed covered in blood.
He then passed me onto mo, who asked me to come to the hospital where they were. I asked dad for a ride. But he refused groggily and yelled at me for wasting his cell phone battery (his charger was at the office)
After some nagging mo offered to give me a ride. Of course dad wouldent let me go (he's wise that one) I know I'm 19 now and really don't have to listen to him, but its my experience that often other people know how you work better then yourself.
So I agreed and mo said she would pick me up tomarrow instead, gave me a way to get him a present.
I then broke down crying (my imagination going at it again) I'm thankful for dad stopping me going because then I probably would have been to tired to do much of anything at the hospital and unable to keep my emotions under control.
To my bodys utter dislike I got up early, to my surprise Marcia came along :)
I asked all the questions I had been pondering about Aaron all night.
Felt a little relieved but not much, we drove past the accident...that dident help much.
When we stepped into the hospital I was surprisingly calm.
Sadly it was like returning home...I was a little disapointed that we dident up up the lobby elevator like we did to see mom.
Often I meet the doctors I used to know many years ago in pharmacy's are shopping center and kept my eyes peeled for a choice nurse or two but saw no one.
I got Aaron a stuffed pug dog at the gift stand (again memory lane) at the suggestion of the lady who said she had no huskys (Aarons fave).

And of course...Aaron was not bloody in appearance...nor was his eye falling out of his socket and there were no stitches in his face.
He had injurys beneath the covers I'm sure (There was a tube sticking out of his side, that was a hint) but for peace of mind (and for Aarons dignity which his mother later squashed by revealing his loony toons boxers which had been wearing for the last three days) I dident dare look.
Over all he was his chipper self just as I remembered him from elementary school.
So I knew he was in pain, the idiot always wanting to make others feel better before himself.
Allot happend, and I still worry allot about him today. But he's not dead and for that I'm thankful. I wanted to visit again really badly...but I got sick with a horrible HORRIBLE flu. I wa s literally passed out for 2 days.
I woke up feeling horribly guilty for not visiting him more :(
Still feel guilty. But being raised in polite society I know its better for him to rest without visitors anyways. -sigh-

Halloweens on the way! And dad and I went shopping for more decoratins! I wanna go all out this year! (Even bought a witch hat...which five seconds in the door my cat stol as for bed)
I hope I'll be able to do something with marc again this year (TRADITION...usually hang out on Aarons lawn eating candy and scaring children sometimes dancing to the eerie music his neighbors play).
But sadly I havent talked to marcia as much lately :( -worry worry-
I know she's probably busy with work and such and I really dun wanna be a bother.
:) Maybe mo will do something with me...
GOD I LOVE HALLOWEEN!
Best time of the year...and I'm learning allot about it from the superstitions book beth gave me...a big day for virgins apparently XD
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HALLOWEEN -squeel-

...I have a doctors appointment at 9am halloween day :( I hope I can get back from vancouver in time for some fun.

P.S: Today I finished Writing Part One of my Story :D 11 pages. WEEEEEE.

Surprising events

2007-10-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

as you know my birthday is in 3 days.
And what you may or may not know is that for the last 4-5 months dad has been promising and putting off (like he tends to do) taking me to china town I LOVE CHINA TOWN. but knowing dad i dident get my hopes up.
HOWEVER for my birthday he's descided and has already reserved a room in downtown van in a fancy hotel...did I say room? I meant SUITE and guess who gets the queen bed -breaks it down- oh yaaaa oh yaaaa.
BUT thats not all! Check in time is 3 o'clock sooooo we're stopping off in metrotown....to check out the sakura store 0-0 the one that beth will never let me go into whenever we're there XD
not to mention he has done major research on all the anime stores in the city.
Obviously he's trying to make up for the last 6 birthdays.

I just hope i can enjoy it.

I'm not exactly daddy's little girl and I get very awkward when I have to go anywhere with him. Don't get me wrong, i'm not embarassed to be seen with him in public. We just have nothing to talk about.

-sigh- wish me luck

OH also he's ordered me a red ipod nano :D proceeds go to aids in africa foundation.
yay

<3 Aymee

8 Days

2007-09-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

So its 8 days till my 19th berfday (thats right BERF).
Not thrilled, I hate my birthdays...everyone elses is great :) but i never like mine...I always get excited then put down.
I'm buying myself a prezzie this year just so I have something to unwrap :D
better then nothing.
Don't tell me but i'm making myself a bracelette with bells on it :) cause bells make me happy...and clouds...I like clouds....

I finally finished the cleaning out the closet of death. YIKES was that a challenge.
But its all clean and labeled in there now, dads happy at least.
I think I'll chill a bit from cleaning as a bday present for myself.
but after the 6th i'm right back on it....THENS HALLOWEEN....and thanksgiving....but screw thanksgiving.
Last year my grands tried to have a party for me...with fam i barely know...not good...annoys me to no end....
I know they meant well but....ug....

anyways ttyl <3
Archy

I never knew i had it in me 0-0

2007-09-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

I DID IT! I FINALLY DID IT.
I went on the bus to Safeway all by myself and didn't get lost! :D
To the rest of you this maybe a minor achievement but to me its rather large.
I bought the grocery's for dad :) and that makes me happy.
I'm a little disappointed though. I thought if i finally did it, i would feel more independent but some how i feel the same...maybe its because i already am independent D:
well then i just wasted three hours.

oh heres something funny...while i was waiting for the bus that would take me home it was so hot i could hardly stand it. So I took the cheese out of my bag and rubbed its cool cool dairy goodness all over my face XD just when an old guy rolled by in one of those scooter things XD gave me the queerist look XD I REGRET NOTHING, IT FELT FUCKING FANTASTIC. In fact, i'm endorsing it. COMMON EVERYONE GRAB YOUR HAVARTI AND RUB IT ON YOUR CHEEK. ya know ya wanna ;D
XD

My petcetera club card came today :D huzzah!

Lost time XD

2007-09-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

It seems like the days have flown by and I have lost all rack of time. So much so that I very much doubt i'll finish writing my story by my birthday ^-^;

Uguuu~

I had wanted to finish it so i could print it off and bind it together with ribbon with a real-like front and back page, wrap it and give it to myself for my birthday. So that i would have something so open this year ^-^;
oh well.

Awhile ago i had asked my dad whether or not he wants me to get a job. I don't want to do anything to upset him since he's still on all those pills cause of beth.
I think i finally got an answer. He's been putting it off and mumbling confusing excuses throwing me off.

So I'm gonna put my dream life and dream job at michaels on hold for awhile.
I just want to make him happy.
So I'll continue to do my best and work hard here at home cleaning, cooking, gardening and doing the laundry. :)

Anxiety

2007-09-20T17:27:00.000-07:00

So as you all know i have a large level of anxiety. it really kicks in when alone andor around strangers.
I've been doing really well recently though.
for the last year i've been going out on my own, especially on my bike which i ride 4 times a week.
I've ridden it to lots of stores so i could do the shopping for dad :)
...unfortunately...its a long ride up hill to any stores from here.
SO, i'me learning the bus system.
My goal...SAFEWAY...I can get to IGA allot easier since i've been their by bus allot with various people.
But it doesent have allot of stuff...actually its pretty useless.

Everyday this month i've been trying to get up the nerve to get on that bus.
Problem 1) I'm terrified of buses for some unknown reason
problem 2) I can get their but i'm not so positive about how to get back XD
since i've never done it before.

TOMARROW WILL BE THE DAY I TELL YOU...of course thats what i said yesterday...

Anywho...still cleaning out the closet of doom...I found ym old phsyciatric reports that say i am severly disabled...and need anger management....but that was only grade one XD so I am not quite as insulted as i normally would be (yeeears later XD)

oops i have more to tell but dads just pulled up

ttyl

The Closet

2007-09-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

Hey there readers.
I havent told you this yet but since beth moved out crushing my family and getting her excommunicated from family events.
I've been trying to keep dads mind off of things by completely sanitizing and evaluating the house.
aka MAAAJOUR CLEANING. The first bit of cleaning thats been done in like 10 years...arent I lucky? -.-

I'm 70% done the entire place 90% the upstairs...just the little nooks and crannys...which brings me to my point of discussion which i called...THE CLOSET.
The family closet i've been dreading to enter, its full of family photo's of people i barely know or have no clue how they are relevant.
Allot of it is stuff my moms real parents sent her so she knew where she came from...I'm not sure what to do with it all since...well...moms dead and i'm not close with that side of the family...funny enough i'm more like the adoptive half then the ones i'm blood with. They kinda hate me, i'm not musical enough for them.

Anyways, I havent gotten much into photo's yet. so no tears over the days when i was happy.

Mostly school stuff...BETHS ENTIRE BOX OF AWARDS.
and my ENTIRE BOX OF PSYCOLOGICAL REPORTS. XD
I found an award for enviromental awareness from the mayor of our city in beths...which really surprised me because she thinks littering helps the community by feeding the seagulls and hobo's.
And that oil tankers spilling toxins into the ocean is okay because they can just fill it up with more water to even it out.
ya...blonde.

Ciao

Hiring.

2007-09-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone seems to be hiring now-a-days.
The two places i would love to work both have huge banners posted right outside.
Petcetera, and michaels.

...I was in Michaels today buying canvas and picked out an application...then dad openind his big mouth....and in sets the anxiety.
I AM SO GOD DAMN CONFUSED.
Everyones telling me to do something with my life and when i finally set my mind to it they manage to talk me down!.
It brings me tofreaking tears because i dunno what to do.
I wish people would stock jerking me around ;.;
It doesent help that this application asks about things i couldent possibly know.
or that michaels is an art store and i can't even say the "p" word without twitching out lately, yet i still picked up the bloody application.
Reflex? or gods idea of a cruel joke? You be the judge.

whats wrong with me -.-

2007-09-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Honestly, what the heck is wrong with me?
I'll do something that will complete stoke me up and make me feel so proud of myself.
Like write some of my story or even surprisingly enough, finish painting a picture.
I'll be completely euphoric for about three hours and then I have an emotional train wreck.D:
Its horrid.
Absolutely horrid.;.;
I'll be thinking, "yay! I finally got something done :D I've wanted to this for so long yay me!"
and then its "God I suck, why do i bother? whats the point, in the long run its not gonna matter?"
-sigh-

Yes today I "p" worded (painted, still hurts to say the actual word)
;.; but i'm not good, i dunno why i bother.
it used to be so easy.
I dident worry about whether it was good or not, it was just fun and people loved me for it.
But now I doubt myself so much it makes me cry.
I've been trying so hard to break out of this, forcing myself to "P" word.
But nothing seems to be getting through.
;.; whats a girl to do?

cheers

Writer to Buddy :)

2007-09-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

:D I got some of my writing donw today thanks to a friend of mine on deviantart.com named "snicka" who, even though i don't know her in real life is going out her way to support me and encourage me. Its so touching how people can be kind to strangers like this.
Another friend of mine named April is the same way, she really supports me in anything i wanna do.
As I was thinking about this today I realized what a great friend I have in Marcia.
So I did the only thing I could do (not well but its something) I drew her a picture :D and its actually one i'm happy with.
Usually when i'm drawing gift art i get really sloppy. But i worked really hard and produced a 5 hour piece worthy of any desktop :)

I'm on page 7 of my story btw.

cheers

Walking to writing

2007-09-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the paws for a cause walk :D AAAAAAAWESOME.
...would have been better if i wasent so tired though...I don't sleep well anymore, i couldent tell you why.
Marcia and I have completed our mission and obtained t-shirts ;D
I met mo's b-friend the hillbilly who lives in his car, Dale.
Oddly enough i thought we was pretty cool.
But apparently he's a druggie D:<
so, no go.
Shot down.
Shunned.
Access Denied.
...Mo gave me a cookie...WHICH I ACTUALLY ATE DESPITE MY DIET...so good...so chewy ;.;

As for today, I felt pretty useless and awkward today :(
I just did.
On the other hand I've descided i wanna try and finish writing my Aymee-Topia (A VERY long running story about the world in my head) story by my birthday as a present for myself. CAN I DO IT!? Probably not....I started in june....and am currently on page 5...-sigh- such a failure.

Today

2007-09-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

I'm still fighting to lose weight! >:D and so far so good, been on it since may and have lost a bunch.
I am completely addicted to tofu, i can't go a day without it D:
At first it was gross but after trying it grilled in onions and garlic and some of that amazing miso flavoured stuff....aaaawrgh so tasty.

Tomarrows the SPCA paws for a cause walk, going with marc :) who else?
I wonder if dan will come to. Probably not, he's been having difficultys with his ex mo...have i told you this already? well I'll tell you again...if you've stuck around throughout my entire bloggers career you would no mo is marcias sister.
Dated more people then I have fingers and toes. XD
including dan who she recently broke up with :( and he has taken to nursing a rum bottle.

Dan lives with marc and mo at this point in time and marc says that he's "been nursing a rum bottle"
we suspect he's been spending most of his days at our GAAAY friend tristans house who's visiting his dad before he goes back to his vibrating boytoy Ian...who (if humanly possible) is more spiteful and vindictive then even myself.
I'm worried about Dan though :(

<3 Archy

I worry to much

2007-09-08T01:38:00.000-07:00

Not just a statement, tis a fact.
At least I'm aware of it XD thats a plus.
I was so upity today because I'm supposed to go to this spca walk fundraiser thing (yay animals) with my friend marc :D but of course I dident bring up what our meeting time and such would be last time i talked to here...because i'm naive XD
So I spent all day on msn to see if she would come online LOL (drew a nifty picture though) i'm such a freak.
=o to my surprise she had it all planned already given me a ride an everything, here i thught i would just be meeting her :D but this is better. yay marc XD

I fear my lack of human contact has put me back into my shell of shyness...I guess the proof is in the pudding aka the spca walk :) we'll see how things turn out.