Just...everything...

okay so I am now 20
FINALLY after three years (all of which you can read in this blog) I have chosen a degree program, kinda went in a circle and ended up back with art in the bachelor of fine arts program. Go figure.

On 9/11/08 my grandpa George Carter passed away do to complications with his blood problem. I couldnt cry until two days later, on the weekday when dad was at work. I cryed until vessels burst in my eyes...after trying so hard not to. Poor grandma Jenny Belle...

I don't know if I mentioned it previously but Pickles had some weird seizure this year, a couple in fact. But i was only around for the first and it scared the shit out of me. And made me realize how presciously fragile she is....my mama kitty.

I started writing a journal. A real one not just this blog haha.
About my life as an art student, its for when I'm old and bored. I dunno i thought it would be a neat thing to have.

ttyl

[edit] yes i noticed i repeated a few details, oh well. sorry lol

Posted by Frenchiekissenger at 2:56 AM | Permalink | Comments

DAD TOOK ME TO THE GALLERY :D

wouldn't let me bring my resume though. I can see his point, he's gonna give it to my sponsor hank to give to the people instead.
But maaaaaaan it was cool.

I hope I do get to work there....or anywhere really...
But just the fact that dad actually pulled threw and did what he said he would. Thats special.

SOOO no friendship rings lol. the only ones i could find were lame. and I wanted mood rings D:<

I got my first assignment back in class...A LOW C....this is bad...if the rest of the semester turns out the same i'm screwed. I need AT LEAST a B to get into my program...which reminds me...I have my first meeting with an arts councillor tomarrow...
I hope their not mean....I have a long list of bad experiences with councillors in that way.
*breathes deep*

Posted by Frenchiekissenger at 8:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

I MISS GROUP PAINTING.
Maybe thats it, since i've gradded me creativity has gone a little haywire.
I especially miss painting with my best fweeend Marcia :D there was this one painting with handprints we did together that was fun ^^.
Since we hang out so often I think i'll randomly get her to paint something with me.
I seriously owe allot to all my friends since I gradded. I've over come allot of fill and paranoia distilled deep into my soul by my over protected father.

WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO....and we've been to the beeeeeach and BURGER KING FOR NEOPETS TOYS...aaaaaaand randomly hung out in various places :D and halloween is coming up huzzuh!

I think i'll get us all group rings...LIKE THE WONDER TWINS....and one for that random kid Tony :D why not? oh right...I'm broke....crap.

Posted by Frenchiekissenger at 11:57 PM | Permalink | Comments

I may not be consistent with my journaling but at least I do update every once in awhile.
I'm more serious with school now and doing well academically.

and surprisingly enough....socially 0-0 I've been going out to hang with mo, marcia, dan and benjilly almost every weekend :D I <3 them bunches.


Grandpa George died on 09/11/08. I didn't cry at all until later that night...then I cried until my eyes ached and beyond. I still can't beleieve he's gone and I stupidly chose to spend my canada day weekend with the kamloops grands instead because Fred was "worse off with his cancer" and now he's strutting around with his whiskey glass, happy as can be. Meanwhile Grandma JennyBelle is a wreck and honestly...so am I.
I havent seen grandpa george in over a year and now I never will. I'm crying just typing this lol. I don't think i can ever walk into a dairy queen where he used to treat us every year.
I WASN'T EVEN INVITED TO THE FUNERAL. Thats how inept I am at keeping family connections strong. Worse part is that my sisters idiot boyfriend matt got to spend a month with that side of the family last year while I didnt and he's not even related to him! Okay so I'm not technically either (moms adopted father) but still it hurts...allot...
Same thing happend with gimma...I love that side of the family so much but because there not related to dad I never get to see them.
I feel more intouch with them then anyone and we're not even blood. Thats why I wear gimma's necklace all the time.
God it hurts.

In other news I gave up on computer art, anime and aymee-topia. I had to make the choice and I chose painting. I don't want to give up on painting. because if I did, thats it, no identity...nothing left in me. I'm taking away my reference crutch and trying to develope an essence but its hard...just to get started...so hard.
and emotionally tiring...like i've mentioned before...I hate everything i do and it makes me cry lol.

I'M ALMOST 20 AND STILL JOBLESS. Everyone makes promises and brakes them, saying they'll help me out then they don't. Alone I can't do it, with help I can't do it...whats left? God knows I've tried. So hard...so very very very hard.
Dad did come threw once though...he got his boss (big donator/artist guy) to sponsor me towards a career at the new art gallery. I did everything asked of me...but guess who sorts threw the companies resumes for his boss? DAD. AND WE ALL KNOW HOW RELIABLE HE CAN BE.
It opened today and dad (who had three months) never even looked at my resume.
Now the place is packed with artists ten times more qualified then I am applying for positions for experience and I have no chance.
On top of that...I'm running out of cash...dad won't support me anymore especially now that i'm almost 20...and i'm not about to ask...he;s not reliable enough. and i'm probably too proud. I dunno.

Posted by Frenchiekissenger at 11:27 PM | Permalink | Comments

Work work work out everyday for 30 minutes till you dread waking up in the morning and the movements are so automatic you begin to wonder if they are doing any good at all
Lose lose lose those pounds and shed the hate you feel for your flab until theirs nothing left but all the bad.
Find find find a job, told not to settle for less but no one will hire you when you try for the best.
Die die die a little more inside slowly tormenting yourself, spending your days alone in the house unable to afford to grocery shop.
Help help help your dad with his renovation plans, trying to make yourself feel better and earn your keep around the house.
Dream dream dream of nothing. Dreams once so easy to fly on, adventures and heroics galore, gone within your misery.

Oi. Yes life is grand isent it?
I'm finally commited to getting a job thats something good...but even in the middle of thise job high...no one wants me ;.;
and i've commited myself to college as well. Associates of Arts degree so I can get my bachelors...good thing I graduated early or I would be farther behind then I already am D;

now if only I loved art again.

Posted by Frenchiekissenger at 11:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

Life seems to be speeding by so fast! I'm exhausted! Dads descided we're finally gonna remodel the house and guess who ends up doing all the work? me of course. and to top it all off I have to get a THIRD surgery. Other eye this time D:
I hate needles.
Karma owes me BIG.

I'm taking an at home english course which is going well.
And i'm looking for a job :) thats right i think i'm finally ready. It has to be the right job though. or my superstitious nature will slap me around lol.

anyways i'm to tired to talk much just thought i would update :D

chao
Aymee

Posted by Frenchiekissenger at 10:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

Sorry I havent been here in a bit, I got so caught up in xmas that I just forgot to enter anything here.

As my mission for self improvement and discovery continues, my life seems to continue on the same path it was on when I first started this whole mess.
Thats not to say that nothings been going on. After years of empty promises dad has finally started remodeling the house.
But as anticipated, I'm the one doing all the work. My fingers are all actually bleeding from it and I'm losing my art room.
He's gonna convert it into an office. -sigh-

For someone who loves to be alone all day I sure am becoming lonely.
I don;t really feel like I can rely on anyone I know for comfort with my issues either.
Mostly because I don't know anyone I can be myself around anymore not for quite a few years really but there was always that temporary friend who seemed to pop up out of no where, make my year, then leave.
I scare myself with my eating. I've been dieting for so long now that I'm terrified to stop because if I do I could gain it all back...I don't EVER want to feel that way I did back then...so I keep going.
To compensate for my constant empty heartedness I work.
No not at a job, I don't like people remember? (and yet i'm lonely...huh)
No I do various tasks from sun up to sun down and wake up the next morning in complete muscle agony, so I pop a few tylenol maybe an asperin or two and do it to myself all over again.
I've descided on education goals though. Yay? Its not something I want to do.
I do it because I have no other options, I'm caged theres no where else to go.
My constant day dreaming of something better has become complete torchure.
-sigh- and to top it all off the Wii I was SUPPOSED to get for xmas....was stolen by one of the future shop employees at one of the shipping bays it stopped at from wherever the hell we ordered it from. It was paid for and everything...so we bought some jackass a 200 dollar game machine....-.- and i'm stuck with a harry potter game I can't use without a system.

Posted by Frenchiekissenger at 10:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Xmas is near D:
MY POOR WALLET
Just when I was close to 1k in my bank account ;.;
Its a double wammy for me folks, my dads birthday is on thursday and then i got to spend more on xmas presents INCLUDING MATT. Freeloader, this here be mah dough bish! D:<

I got dad a scarf (because he doesent have one which to me is just plain WRONG), scratchcards (from the cat) and beth and I both chipped in to buy him a little one person coffee maker that poors coffee right into a chrome thermis :)
and a can of decafe, even though we both know he drinks regular and just tells everyone he drinks decafe -rolls eyes-

MY HAND, MY POOR POOR HAND!
I've been painting up a strom D: which is both good and bad.
Bad: My hand is perma cramped and they are both dryer then the sahara from washing so many times in a day with dishsoap XP
Good: I'M PAINTING AGAIN 0-0 IN TURBO SPEED....realism....dident even think that was possible XD
I'm doing a great blue heron for my grandpa who loves wildlife and basically taught me to as well.
Burgundy lilys and butterflys for my gran, her fave flower.
And for dad, an album cover from his fave band "Rush" the album is "Fly by Night"
and after that who knows. I'm trying to pace myself.
Might do one for beth....but prob not...I'm gonna paint a pikachu portrait for myself LOL.

I visited my grands and plan to go back after dads bday for xmas shopping because normally I would go closer to xmas and stay till new years but I have a doctors appointment to check on my incision thinger.
Gramps is doing great :) I hear he took his radiation well and is as chipper as ever.

my emac broke D: easy, free fix though. I get it back...TODAY...WITH THE NEW FLASH so I'll be back to my digi art very soon :D

ttyl
<3 Archy

Posted by Frenchiekissenger at 4:08 PM | Permalink | Comments